A Sadist’s Tango

Two thoughts have been wandering about in my head as of late; one is about how I reconcile the person I am while playing with the person I am when I am not, and the other is how much my desire to hurt and dominate have grown now that I have allowed myself to feel this way. The former is connected to the D/s power exchange, but specifically in how it pertains to non-scene reality. The latter is about power itself, about being in control and taking what I want with a sense of satisfaction in that victory. This growing desire to hurt and my conflicting desire to not lose track of my socially acceptable self in this rising tide dance around each other. I wonder if there is a way to keep them in balance where they can coexist peaceably, or if someday one or the other will win out.

I am addicted to the look of terror. Eyes lit up with fear, involuntary spasms brought about by the deepest parts of the reptilian brain stem pushing for fight or flight, screams that rise without conscious awareness, these are the moments in a scene that I find the most attractive. Seeing a sub lose control of herself while I remain calm and collected is so alluring. The power exchange and the feeling of control is like a drug, creating actions that would be unacceptable in any other context. It is not just the physical games either, domination through verbal and psychological humiliation is verging on a fetish for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am very comfortable with these thoughts when I am in scene but after the scene is over and I am coming down I start to wonder about what I want and whether it is seeping into my daily life. I do not want to be an asshole all the time. I like that people like me, and for the most part I think I am a nice person, but there are times when the nice guy loses out in my thoughts to the asshole. While I am still being the nice guy, I’m finding that I have a harder and harder time actually wanting to be the nice guy.

Why? I want to be compassionate, I want to give a shit. I want to help people and feel for them but frankly I find it hard to put up with what I see as bullshit. At work, I am less likely to accept the sob story from guy who is chronically late. When negotiating a scene I am thinking of what I will get out of the scene, not just what I can bring to it and afterwards I am more prone to cut my losses if I was not turned on or got off. I used to let it go. I would let the new guy at work off with a warning when he told me about how his car broke down again or how it was his brother that was in the gang, not him. I would allow the sub to get too attached and avoid the discomfort of telling her that it wasn’t working. Now I just cut it off. It is as if I don’t have time for the crap, for the drama. Maybe that is true, but that does not mean I have to be an asshole about it.

The real problem is that I kind of like being the asshole. I like being mean, but I know that this is the fastest way to loneliness. If I am the asshole then no one is going to want to be around me. I like being around people, I like talking to people, hearing what they have to say and hearing their opinions, so the idea of isolating myself with my asshole-ish tendencies terrifies me.

So how do I do it? How do I explore the dark places that really turn me on without letting that darkness bleed into my everyday existence?

I will not put the vanilla girls in the hole. I will not put the vanilla girls in the hole. I will not put the vanilla girls in the hole. I will not put the vanilla girls in the hole. I will not put the vanilla girls…

I found the hole at work and so the chance of just grabbing someone by the hair and throwing her in there was zero. That does not mean that I am not scheming and anybody who thinks that just because the hole is in my work thinks that it will not come into play does not understand that I have keys and access to the security tapes. Believe you me that the hole will be used. It is just too good not to. The issue is that right then, at the moment that I unearthed this Al Capone’s vault of kink, I had no one that I could share it with.

 Pictures or it didn’t happen

 It is like so many things in life, the true value of the hole is context so as I start to take pictures of it, I realize that I need to find some way of portraying the potential of the space, not just the physical existence of it. The girl is a cutie that works for us and she is – as far as I can tell – very normal, very vanilla, but since she is very easily the cutest girl in the room and I love toying with people, I asked her to pose next to the heavy cast iron door. To give it proportions. I snap a shot of it closed, then open. Then she asked me, “Do you want me to get inside?”

No one is vanilla. You either know your kink or you don’t. I say this with both certainty and from experience. For years I lived quietly a “vanilla” life thinking that what I wanted, what I wanted to do was just the dark ruminations of a twisted mind. People did not do what I wanted to do and that was that. As ZG and I started to talk more and more and I began to see that there are people, sick perverted people, who not only think like I do but are acting these thoughts out. That is the way it goes, you are one day thinking that what turns you on, I mean really turns you on is so vile that you are the only one thinking it. If you are lucky your fear is proven false and the world opens up.

An addendum to my more perverted readers: I know that many who have made their way to kink made it on their own. The desire overcame their fear of social norms and to them I say kudos. This does not mean that you are more kinky or a better pervert than someone else. It just means that you have an element of rebel in your make up. Great, but not the only thing that makes you kinky. We are doing what we do because we like it and that varies for each of us. Hell, that varies within each of us on a daily bases so cut the newbies and tourist a little break. They don’t all need to be thrown in the deep end head first, only most of them.