Most of my twenties were spent in a self-absorbed haze. I indulged my every whim, took no responsibility for my actions and did little to take care of myself, my apartments, or my finances. I ran from state to state relying heavily on the fact that people liked me to get by. I have always been able to get away with whatever I wanted, like Balder, the blessed god of youth in the Norse mythology. I was even blessed with an unbelievable woman who bore me two unbelievable children. The only thing I did not have was a creative sex life. Unbeknownst to me that was in my reach as well.
Our sex life was vanilla. I thought it had to be and so I spent many a late night scanning the internet for porn. It was the strangest* pictures and videos that I searched out. I am an intellectual person, I have to be thinking at all times and the standard insert-dick-cum-on-fake-tits scene just did not do it for me. Not only did I find that I liked strange, I also liked dark. Ropes and collars, rough sex and uncontrollable orgasms were all at the top of my “topping off” list. I figured that if I was going to indulge, there was no reason not to indulge all the desires I had. It was a lonely existence because not only had I resigned myself to finding these dark things in the anonymity of the Internet, I knew that I could never share them with the woman to whom I was married. I mean, I love ZG but I knew she would never understand my desire to tie her down or my need to make her orgasm so hard she asks for a safeword on orgasms. Would she? Little did I know back then that she had her own dark secrets.
I guess it was only a matter of time before we found out about each other. We have always been good talkers. From the first time we went out we were chatting for hours. Our children complain, saying things like, “…can we be a part of your conversation?” and “We like it when [sister-in-law] comes over and you guys go out because then she pays attention to us… not you.” We talk. That’s what we do, so it is not a real surprise that eventually our vanilla after-sex conversations turned eventually to darker and more twisted turn-ons. Time passed and more and more kinky desires came out until we realized one day — to ourselves as much as each other — that we were forever and irrecoverably bent. We have developed into our roles, her as sub and myself as Dom** and our relationship has grown because of it. What is interesting to me, and the reason for this whole damn blog, is that the role has also changed me.
I used to be a selfish prick. I used to see the world as simply giving me what I need. It was an egotistic and yet extremely passive way of interacting with the world. Now, as ZG’s Dom, I have to be more active. I have to take control and therefore responsibility. More and more I am taking charge of the life I lead and, frankly, I like it. I like deciding on what is going to happen and how. I like being able to decide how things will be. I know that ZG likes it, the way she acts more than shows that. I can also say that I am a better father because of it. A father who does not simply let things be but makes the world in which his children live a better, hopefully safer, but definitely more complex place than it was before.
* What I considered strange back then would not get you into most of the stories I have since discovered.
** The title fits and the desire to dominate, manipulate, and use are strong, but there is oh so much to learn!