Being a Dom is… Never Getting to Say You’re Sorry

I overreacted. ZG was playing with some sub friends online and said some things that I was surprised by. Me, being new to this whole Dom thing, overreacted to what she said.

ZG is a researcher. When a new idea gets stuck in her head, she won’t leave it alone until she understands every aspect of it. So when we came out to each other about our kinky proclivities, she immediately went online, found a community of like-minded people, and began chatting and making friends. I was late to the party, and even despite being more outgoing than she, still do not have as many friends. *queue sad music* So when I saw her chatting about sex without me I felt left out.

We talked and I put on my stern eyebrows and my disciplinarian’s hat and told her she was being slutty (the bad kind of slutty) and that she needed guidelines and limits to her actions online. She acquiesced but started to act bratty, which is what she does when she feels that I’m unfairly punishing her. In truth, she is a damn good sub and loyal to the core, so this was a case of my own self-doubts driving my actions. I screwed up.

But how do I fix it? By telling her I screwed up, I am telling her that I am sometimes wrong, which gives her pause in whether to trust me in other ways. Also to tell her that I was envious is to tell her that I am weak and not the real man she needs me to be. These are the like cuts that can undermine her devotion to me. So now I’m stuck trying to apologize, keep face, and deal with the fear (no matter how unfounded) that she will find a better Dom. Things were a whole lot easier when I could just let others deal with shit.

I guess, in the end, I will make friends, become more involved in the community, and get over it. Until then I will have to learn how to show her that I’m sorry without saying it.

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One comment on “Being a Dom is… Never Getting to Say You’re Sorry

  1. Being a true dom is being comfortable in one’s own skin which means being comfortable being human. Sometime humans get jealous, sometime doms get jealous. Sometimes humans act out of fear/insecurity, sometimes doms act out of fear/insecurity. A dom with integrity will own, accept and be accountable for mistakes or shortcomings. A real dom wants to give as much to a sub as that sub gives to him (which means facing and walking through fears). The fact that you’re writing about this demonstrates that you’re not a poseur like so many in the community who adopt this false bravado but are scared shitless. You’re not failing your sub and lover by aknowledging when you’re wrong. You’re deepening trust and intimacy that will in all likelihood prompt your sub to submit even more fully.

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