I have never thought about what I want. I lived so passively for so long that the idea of want, desire, manifested pleasure never really occurred to me. I was free from the stress of disappointment but I was also free from the more complex pleasure of seeing an object of desire, going for it and achieving it. By removing myself from competition I was denying myself failure and success. As I have come out as a Dominant, I have been forced to deal with this lack of goals in a fundamental way. What is it that I want? What brings me pleasure?
It is never simple, let’s just get that out of the way. I love complexity, whether it is in my food, my reading, movies or sex. The deeper the experience, the more layered the sensations, the better it is. I love curry and movies like “The Usual Suspects.” I like insanely complex books like Finnegan’s Wake, not because they make me feel smart but because they make me feel like I am drowning in ideas. My brain is a sponge, absorbing everything for later digestion and I often will not be able to tell you whether I like something until days later when I am still thinking about it. I do not say this to sound arrogant or intellectual, I say this because it is the truth. In my more Taoist days, I avoided talking about things that I felt others might not get because I did not want them to feel bad. The truth was that I was denying myself the pleasure of thinking. So fuck it! I am going to stop hanging out with idiots.
Life is too short to be limited to the unintelligent. Much of my family is uneducated (definitely not the same but kissing cousins) and I have always tempered what I say around them to save their feelings. This I will continue to do. They are family and I do not want to change them but the rest of my life is to be moron free. Life is too short to be limited to the simpletons that happened to be near me. I am a friendly guy, I will continue to be friendlym, but now I will seek out the smart, the witty and the intriguing to make my life more complete. I have already started this process and have made a few new friends that have just begun to blow my mind with their fun, smart (and god-bless them kinky) minds. So thank you to all my new friends for challenging me to be a more complete person and better Dom for my sweet ZG.