Getting Over It

My wife is beautiful. She is more than that, she is (as a friend said today) stunning. It is no wonder that she is constantly being approached, especially now that we have started to explore the idea of playing with others. We have started to set out ground rules for what we will and will not do and while I am very comfortable in going forward, I am being eaten up by something — envy. It is not that I fear she is going to find someone else to replace me (I consider that jealousy), it is the fact that she is being admired and desired while I am not. But let’s make this perfectly clear — I am not moping, I am getting over it. I am moving past this and writing about it is just my way of doing that.

Guys are always at a disadvantage when it comes to games of sex. Guys like to have sex and will have sex fairly indiscriminately. All an average looking woman has to do is make herself available and she is more often than not going to be able to get laid. On the other hand, a very attractive man can and often does make missteps that can kill the mood. One wrong line or move and you are demoted from suave to buffoon. It is no wonder that we hide behind tough exteriors and stoic looks. If you find a persona that works, you are prone to keep using it until you are the creepy old guy trying to play himself off as the cool experienced stranger. We are an entire gender of poseurs and liars, but that is what women want. They want the character, the leader, the bad boy. They want us to have a role to play and for us to play it flawlessly. Do not break your character, do not show that you are anything other than the cold sociopath that you claim to be or you lose standing in their eyes.

I love my wife and frankly cannot wait to share her with the people I think are worthy of her. There are a few couples that we are interested in spending time with and, while I am confident that she will make me proud by being both an amazing lover and by remaining faithful to the end, I cannot help but wish that I was as desirable as she is. But maybe that is part of the game. Maybe the whole point of this is that she is the only one who truly wants me and that is what brings her and only her to my bed every night. The rest is just play. We have decided to only go with couples to avoid the hassles created by bringing singles into our bed. We want fun friends that can fuck and suck and at the end of the night curl up together without turning it into something more. Our family is complete, we do not need to add to it, but we do want to play. It is the painful truth that more people want to play with ZG than myself, and that is something I have to overcome.

Self-pity is not attractive. Neither is self-doubt. Women are not turned on by men that cannot stand up for themselves. Why else would so many men get away with being jackasses while still getting laid? The reason is that self-confidence is a lure, especially in the kink world where the role of Dom is a defined position. But I will tell you now the secret of the Dominant world, we are not. We are not confident, which is why we hold on so tightly. It is why we are possessive. We are shy guys sinking in a quicksand of self-loathing and we use our possessions as a way of keeping ourselves afloat. We claim buoyancy but in truth are just clumsy millstones, and no matter how we try and play it, we are always what drags down the scene. That is something I don’t want to do.

No, I am not going to ruin this for everyone by sulking, but I am also not going to ruin this for myself either. I want to enjoy this exploration and that means coming into myself — the one character I can play that I cannot get wrong. I met a man over the weekend who was so strong and confident that he made my me quake simply by being cordial. I want to be that man.

8 comments on “Getting Over It

  1. Maren says:

    It is pleasing to know that you were inspired to write this most sensitive and personal confession by something “a friend” said. Unfortunately, you are wrong about your point of view. As it happens, your wife’s physical beauty is well matched by her funny, intelligent personality; however, the two are completely unrelated. And that is the case with men. Women do not generally fall for the guy from the magazine ad. Turns out they are about as deep as the page they’re printed on. You need not envy the attention your wife generates, not when it is, as you point out, your bed to which she returns each night. Don’t fuck that up by trying to be somebody else. You know that confident guy? I bet he’s feeling envious of you! Stop looking in the mirror – unless it’s to glance at the beautiful woman tied to the bed behind you.


    I am really glad that you commented. He won’t listen to me when I tell him these things, so it is very helpful having input from others! 🙂

  3. Fistandantilus says:

    Hiding behind stoic looks? I have no idea what you’re talking about. 😉 Well said – all of it.

  4. Stacy ~ says:

    First off, best of luck to you & Zelda with your new adventures. It takes a lot of trust and caring to be so open with each other, and I know for a fact most people just don’t have that.

    As for the whole “who’s wanted more” thing, don’t sell yourself short. Seriously. There’s no denying that there’s an instant attraction that comes from physical appearance, but a person needs more going on than a pretty face. The guys I go for are not Hugh Jackman material, but damn they rock my world with their sarcastic humor and ability to not take themselves too seriously. Sexual attraction can be just physical, but a lot of women need more to work with to sustain it.

    So what I’m saying is, your lovely wife was smart enough to see something in you and she sounds like a very perceptive and lucky woman, so don’t doubt that you’ll have your share of fun in this new world you both are creating together. Enjoy it 😉

  5. Meursault says:

    Attractiveness is always subjective, however, intelligence and authenticity are always required to hold my attraction. Physical attractiveness is enough for a one-off , but if there’s no brains or personality I’d rather just masturbate. There are a number of women who I typically would not find aesthetically attractive yet have a raging hard-on any time I’m in the room with them or think of a scene with them because their energy is sexy as fuck and they are so at ease with their sexuality. Conversely, there are a couple of women I know who have great bodies but I wouldn’t even spit on them because they’re vacant rancid skanks that act like bad porn actresses in every scene I’ve seen them in. I’m pretty critical of males in the scene (I’m pretty critical of males generally), but they’re not all poseurs. There are definitely a fair share who are authentic. I think a lot of males think because they’re male they are supposed to be doms but they’re not really doms (at least not yet) and then they get all twisted up. I think if there were more queer-identified males in the scene it would go a long way toward disrupting the “me tarzan, you jane” undercurrent that is sometimes present.

  6. MagisterNodi says:

    A scene this weekend made me think about this point. The Doms (myself and another guy) were comfortable with ourselves, our girls and each other and the scene went very smothly because of it. Neither tried to take over and so there was a more relaxed non-combative atmosphere. I cannot speak for the others involved but I liked that.

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