I am trying to find my voice in a couple of different ways here. The first and most obvious is that I am trying to find the pace, the cadence of my writing that says what I want in an interesting but understandable way. I was a writer once, many years ago, and remember the feeling that one gets when the words are perfect (well, near perfect). There is an ease of flow, a movement from the brain through the fingers into the keyboard that just seems natural. I can grope around in the dark for this because I know the feeling and can remember, to a small degree, what it felt like then, so even if the voice is not the same now, I will have an idea that I am on the right path.
The other is my social voice. I have been a recluse for nearly ten years now, living in my own head without much concern about whether or how I affected the world around me. As ZG and I have grown into ourselves (including but not limited to the new kinks), I have started to explore the idea of leaving an impact on the world around me. The need to be involved in the world, to be part of the dialogues that occur around me and be remembered by others, is part of this new understanding of myself. As a subjectivist I have always thought that no idea or theory is any more valid than another. This used to mean that I would not concern myself with the thinking and actions of others. Now I see that as all the more reason that I should expound upon my opinions and influences on the world. If my world view is just as valid (not more) than the next guy’s, then there is nothing stopping me from trying to change his mind to be more in line with mine. It also means that I can affect other people, leading them through trials and tribulations not because I am the best person for the job or the most experienced, but because there really is no one better.
It’s kind of like the story of Goldilocks, except that no porridge is too hot or too cold, they are just different temperatures and individual preferences vary. Your goal shoul be to simply make the best porridge you can, and leave it where any number of Goldilocks can discover and taste it, and wait for those who think it’s just right. You see, it’s not about perfection but imperfection. Perhaps the unintended goal of this is to see that what you start out wanting may not be what you end up getting, and that is ok.
One of the ways that people play in the kink community is through scenes. You put together a scenerio that allows the participants to let go of their inhibitions and fall into roles. These roles allow them to come to emotional realizations, frames of mind that they may not or cannot normally achieve.
I have been trying to create scenes that take people out of their minds and into new places, and overall the effort has been a complete failure. I am not able to think linearly about sex and play, and for me to even attempt it is both a waste of my time and not fun for the people that play with me. What I’ve realized I need to do is step back and find my voice, to find my way of playing that is fun not only for others but also for myself. Like Goldilocks, I just need to find my perfect porridge.