Why I Play (Part I)

There really is nothing like seeing your wife getting turned on by another man’s force-of-will to kick you hard in the stomach. There is the dry sick feeling in the back of your throat and the aches of sadness in your joints that ensure that every inch of you inside and out is affected.

It is an acquired taste, I will give you that, but one that you can learn to appreciate over time. Like blue cheese or liver, like a good vodka martini or scotch, some emotions have to be appreciated for what they are… and they are not happy.

So often the outside world confuses fetishism with transference. They think that because someone likes to be beat with a cane that they are turned on by the pain, that the only thing that anyone wants is pleasure and that what they associate with pain must be interpreted as pleasure by the kinkster. Pleasure and pain are put on polar ends of a spectrum line; they are seen as diametrically opposed when in truth they are not even on the same scale. Pain has its own levels and textures and feelings just as does pleasure. They can, and often do, overlap to varying degrees and the game for any kinkster is finding that perfect mixture of pleasure and pain for any specific situation.

I do not like pain. I don’t think there are many people that would say they do like pain. They like overcoming the pain, they like the marks the pain leaves. They like to feel something… anything that intensely. I like to dig out from underneath the pain. It is as if a house has been pulled down on top of me. I like to feel that I have survived the collapse and have been able to find a safe little hole in which I was able to ride out the sadness and heartache. Every time it happens, the pain is a little less, and there is less rubble to crawl out from underneath. Sometimes the collapse hits at just the right angle to leave a mark, a splintering beam sends shrapnel between your ribs. This will happen to even the most jaded heart causing renewed appreciation for pain.

So here we are setting up dates and meeting new friends and all the time growing a deeper appreciation for the more subtle nuances of emotions that are not pleasure. There is more to life than just pleasure. There is understanding and with every passing game, every new adventure we find ourselves growing into more complete people.  That is what is needed for a good relationship, complete people. The more I understand myself and all the different pieces that make up my vision of the world, the better suited I am to being with ZG. Likewise, the more she plays, the more she learns about herself, the more complete a person she becomes.

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3 comments on “Why I Play (Part I)

  1. OregonMJW says:

    I so hope you never successfully suppress the pain of seeing Zelda in another man’s arms, or under his influence. You two are so terrific together. Any risk is, ultimately, not really worth it. Still, though, it was another chance to read your heartfelt and beautifully written stories. ;D

    • MagisterNodi says:

      I will never stop being jealous. It is the jealousy that makes me try harder every day to be the best person I can be. If I am working to be worth her then perhaps she’ll keep me. 😉 and as long as seeing her with others makes me jealous, I will continue working. The thing is that the jealous does not stop me from letting her play and one of the reason’s though not the only one, is that I like getting jealous. I like the punch in the stomach.

  2. twimom227 says:

    Amazing. The raw emotions you allow yourself to feel and display here are incredible. I used to hate that I was considered an “emotional person,” until one day when i realized that feeling passionate – whether happy, sad, angry, exhilarated… is so much better than feeling nothing at all.

    It is good that you are jealous, but that you and Z grow from your experiences. I hope that as you continue on your journey, you grow and find completeness.

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