It is also not as simple as wanting to destroy. Like Kali, it is through the teardown that rebuilding can occur. From the ashes of the phoenix, blah, blah, blah. The truth is more complicated than just wanting to destroy or to rebuild. It is a savage instinct bred into us in the earliest days of our evolution. Somewhere in the DNA of every biological consumer is a brutal drive to survive at the cost of others. This is more than a willingness to take but a need, a desire.
The truth is that, like a good dirty martini, sadism is complex and more than a little of it is finding pleasure in displeasure. Not only in the receiver’s pain, but also in my own guilt. Standing over someone who has been broken, who’s been taken apart and left in a pile at your feet, is a powerful demigod of emotion, but it is not an isolated feeling. Standing there beside it is deep-seeded hatred for what you have just done to another person, and when you are working within a consensual arrangement, as I do, you will also find a pleasure not unlike that which you get from making someone orgasm. This twisted trinity of power, guilt and erotic pleasure is intoxicating and addicting. Added to this are a variety of minor demons that change with each situation and person. They add nuance and detail to an already complicated scene and are good from time to time but are not vital to the flavor. They are like blue cheese stuffed olives or bar onions. Added garnish, sometimes savored, sometimes left in the empty glass when the drink has been drunk.
But just like blue cheese olives and dirty martinis, sadism is not for everyone. That is good. There are too many feelings, too many emotions and ways of seeing the world to be limited by a single thought. I like happiness too. Pleasure is still pleasing. I can be completely controlled with sensual touch and have girls that can attest to the achillies heal the scar on my neck is. It is a mixture of all these different feelings that make us human. It is the petty jealousies, the justifiable outrages and the seething hatreds that balance the crushes, first loves and parental endearments. They create the whole sphere and to deny oneself an emotion just because others find it uncomfortable is not something I am willing to do.