There are levels to each and every person’s darkness; a sliding scale that ranges from the dulled colors of dusk to the depth of a black-hole where the very act of looking seems to strain the soul. We all have this scale and while some people never look past the fading colors of evening, many of us like to look deeper. I have been thinking a lot about my darkness lately and wondering what it is I would find if I stared into the singularity that is my darkest place. Why do we do this? Why do I want to know what my own personal evil is? I think there are many reason; knowing my own demons, exploring all of existence, Understanding. In this exploration I have found that my true darkness is a terrible place filled with reprehensible horrors but I do not regret the search. It is the act of searching, my willingness to look at the nature of human evil as it exists within me that gives me a better understanding of myself and humanity. Like the yin yang, it is in the darkest reaches of the soul that the seed of light can be found. It may be a little woo, but that does not make it any less true.
I have found in my darkest places a desire for the threshold moment. That event or point in time when life is forever changed. I fantasize about rape and murder, about innocence lost. I see myself there when the victim realizes what they thought was the bottom is nothing more than an illusion. She sees that no matter how cruel and heartless she thought the world could be, it is far far more cruel and heartless. My heart races, my face flushes, my mind reels at the idea that this is the moment when she will never be the same again. It is exhilarating to feel, saddening and life affirming all at once. I am in that moment the epitome of evil. I am destroying another person’s life. I feel so…alive.
So what is it that keeps me from making these moments real? What is it that keeps me from raping and murdering, from destroying lives in reality like I do in fantasy? Part of it is social morals and the rule of law but more than that I think I am held in check by my love of the exploration. It is the act of expanding understanding and existence that I like which is to say not only do I want to see the worst but also the very best. It is through this darkness that I can see that helping people discover their true selves is one of the most rewarding aspects of reality. If I play with someone who wants to relive or live out some dark moment, who wants to be raped to better understand the powerlessness of the situation, who wants to feel that moment when they go from innocent to aware I am able to broach the moment with another person and together we will see the darkness but also the light. We are both hurting and helping each other. She is my victim and I am her assaulter. She is my partner in that moment and is giving me a gift which is as light-bearing an act as there is. Likewise, I am helping her by being both the dark and menacing violator and a non-judgmental accomplice allowing her to explore her own darkness. It is the beauty of consensual edgeplay. We are both giving and getting that darkness that rounds out reality.
It is because I know what I am looking for, because I know which direction my darkness lies that I am able to explore life more completely. I know how dark my soul can get and this allows me to better understand myself and others. I love it and yes, it is a little woo but there you have it. It is not for everyone and not everyone’s darkness is the same but it is part of who I am and I am ok with that.
New Knots in an Old Rope 