Void Gazing

I was that much last night when I overheard the guy talking about his date. ” threw her to the wolves,” he said laughing. What he meant was that it was his second date and he  was taking her to a munch. That is definitely not my idea of being thrown to the wolves. I like to play rough. I like to play with knives, I like to play with fear, I like to play with people’s heads. To me being “thrown to the wolves” means being fed to the dark side. It is pushing someone into the rabbit hole not just showing them that there is a rabbit hole. It is a lesson in definitions and communication. What one person means when they say something may not be the same thing that is understood by the person that hears it. This is not one person or the others responsibility to understand, but rather the crux of communication itself.”At some point, you’re going to have to take her at her word,” this is an adage that I’ve learned to live by. I do not consider myself a feminist because it implies some difference between the sexes I just don’t see. Now, don’t get you panties in a twist, I know that this patriarchal society has been oppressing women blah blah blah. What I am saying is that I feel there is a need to treat adults as people instead of as men and women. We all have preferences sexually but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about individuals with needs, hopes dreams and baggage. In this way we are all the same. We are all grown ups who have the right and obligation to take responsibility for our choices. This means that if you say to me if you want to play with fear, that you want to play with humiliation, that you want a mindfuck then that is what I’m going to do. To assume that you don’t mean it, that you don’t understand what you’re asking for is misogynistic. I say misogynistic because I play with women but the idea is just as valid for any gender/dynamic combination.  That being said there are still times when what someone is asking for does not match what they are going to get. We all have different base values when it comes to those things we play with. What you call may call a life changing experience another person may just call Tuesday.

From the bottoms point of view it can be very hard to understand what you really want. Part of the allure is the letting go. Someone else takes control freeing you from having to choose but this means you run the risk of playing with someone who, while working within the parameters of what you have negotiated, takes you farther than you are ready to go. This is not to say that there are not true assaults and that rape is a matter of perspective. There are violations of agreed upon limits and there are times when safewords are ignored but the truth of the matter is (and I know this may cause issue with some) many cases of scenes gone bad are cases of miscommunication, inexperience, and unclear lines of consent and desire.

So then what you do? How do you avoid unintentionally hurting someone or unintentionally getting hurt? First thing is you have to know yourself but that is easier said than done. Things that you have never thought of may be hot button issues for you, triggering latent memories. This is true for tops as well as bottoms. If you are playing with a woman’s lack of emotional connection you may find that you are digging up feelings about how your own mother left you when you were young. We are all doing this for different reasons and it is good to be aware that what you are doing runs the risk of waking sleeping demons. Are you honestly ready for that? If the answer is no or you are unsure then be careful to make this point clearly and early on to your potential play partners. Tell them that there are places that are off limits. There is no shame in not playing as “hard” as the next person and anyone who says different is weak egoed douche-bag. Even with an understanding of yourself, you will find yourself experiencing things in edge play that you will be surprised to not be ready for. So how do you deal with that the next day when you are awoken from a terrifying nightmare is a screaming cold sweat?

Since we are all humans and prone to miscommunication, the best thing to do is start by trying to make sure that you and the person(s) you played with understand each others point of view. The old saying about there being three sides to every story is useless. The truth is not what matters, what matters is how each person interprets the moment. If you thought that you were assaulted then it does not matter as much whether the person meant to assaulted you or not. The damage to your psyche has been done and has to be addressed. By talking to your partners you can start to see what they were seeing and feel what they were feeling. As a top this means you can understand that a few casually callus words meant to scratch like nails in the skin may have torn open old wounds that are easily infected. From the bottom’s POV this means that you can start to understand why a top picked the things that they did to play with. Perhaps they meant to open up fears that they felt were unfounded or maybe they were playing with ideas that hit close to home for them. By talking to your partners you keep them in the realm of the real and do not let them slip into a mythical role as avatar to your personal demons. We help each other through these dark places but in the end we all carry our own baggage.

Another thing that you can do is write, draw, sculpt, dance or in someway try and come to terms with the feelings. This is a personal thing. It has nothing to do with others but with how you feel and interpret what happened. Talking things through with someone else can help but everything they say is tinted by their personal experiences. It is not on purpose but simply the end result of them having living souls that have life experience to pass all their thoughts through. It means that there has to be someway for you to express yourself without influence. When you write or draw or sing, you are exploring the feelings for yourself. See where those feelings take you, see what your soul is trying to tell you.

In the end you are alone. You are born alone and you die alone and all that happens in between happens to you and only you. Part of edge play is the facing of the great void and the horror of the abyss that stares back. It is not something that you can do without finding from time to time that a little bit of your soul falls in, that you are burned and frozen and scarred by what you discover about humanity and yourself. The thing that you have to do is get up afterwards, brush yourself off and move on and that, like birth and death, must happen alone.

One comment on “Void Gazing

  1. Fallen Depths says:

    The fact that we are ultimately responsible for our own decisions is one that the BDSM Community seems to struggle with. It’s the concept of power exchange. Once you decide to allow someone to have power over you, can you also have a responsibility exchange? Does responsibility exchange come with the power exchange…do BOTH parties understand that, if it does?

    There is more here than I can place in a blog comment…I started a piece of fiction that has a surprise ending related to this danger but haven’t had time to spend on it. Basically I’m exploring the concept that once a power exchange transaction occurs the Dom’s self-interest doesn’t transfer to protecting the sub’s interests. So there is no one protecting the sub…she has released her power to do so…and in her mind, her responsibility to do so. She “places herself in his hands.”

    Interesting blog and a topic I hope to explore further on my own blog…when I can find the time.


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