Which side of the wall are you on?

I am not new to cuckqueaning. It was something that ZG and I played with when we first started to introduce others into our sex lives. She loved to watch me fuck others. Something about it was great for her and before I explore this more deeply I want to take a moment to lay out some definitions.

To cuckold someone is to engaged in sexual acts in front of your partner. A man whose wife or partner fucks others in front of him is a Cuckold, a woman is a Cuckquean. It is not an uncommon kink for people to have and one that many people happily play with. Some get off on feeling cucked, others from doing the cucking. Some want to be forced to watch while others want to only know that it is happening somewhere out of sight. It is not unrelated to cheating and “the other woman” stories that give nonmonogamy a bad name but there are ways that it can be explored ethically.

ZG was not a jealous person. She never felt pangs when I would fuck or play with others. In fact she actually enjoyed it quite a bit. This made it easier for us to play with cuckqueaning because it meant that no matter what was done, no matter what was said, she would not feel destroyed in the end and the emotional clean up was easy. I fucked a woman in front of her while ZG was forced to please her husband. I made her piss herself and stand in her own filth while I fucked my girlfriend and talked about how we were going to make ZG an animal. I made her eat my cum off the ass of another woman. The list really goes on and on and while the images are hot and yes, the times were great, there was something missing. I could not put my finger on what it was until recently.

I was never into the cuckqueaning of ZG. I loved fucking other women, I loved making her watch, I loved degrading her for loving to watch but there was something that seemed, I don ‘t know, flat about the whole event. Nothing about what we were doing was special because we were married. It would have been just as much of a turn on if the other person watching was another play partner. It did not have the kink to it that I wanted. I did not know that but now I do. The kink I wanted was the jealousy. I wanted the head game that can go along with cuckqueaning.

I play with people for very specific reasons. I like to feel the desire of a new partner. It is a very powerful feeling when you first open that present and everything that you do is new and special. It is emotionally fulfilling for me to see the new responses, the new looks, the new touches, the orgasms. I am an explorer searching the Amazon for new and rare orchids. I am a gardener planting mixed seeds to see what flowers come up. It is a great feeling to see this new relationship, this new body as it opens up but it is not the only thing in the world. I also love the feeling of the known and existing relationship.

A loving and long term relationship brings me comfort and security. I can explore the depths of who I am, who she is. It is the long game. We are in this for the long haul and this gives me a place to explore so much more over a much longer period of time. A long term relationship is filled with a firmer and more complete understanding. You know that the little hick-ups that would cast a new relationship into the dirt are not going to affect it. Arguments are going to be had but they are not going to be the end of the world. This is the foundation which all further growth happens.

But a relationship is like a field, it needs to be tilled to be healthy. The ground can become packed and hard. The water cannot penetrate it, seeds lie in the top, unable to sprout. The rich soil of the long term relationship needs to be turned over ever now and again. She has to be shaken and shown that what she has in me is worth keeping, I have to see her reach out for me in a way that says she cares. There are different ways to do this, for us cuckqueaning is one. She sees me flirt with other women. She sees the way my attention zeroes in and the intensity fades the rest of the world to nothingness. She can see me as I am to others and she can crave that. She feels left out, it drives her emotional masochism and makes her feel that she is not worthy, not earning the look I am giving another. For me the seduction of the person is clarifying. I am reminded that I have ability to burn the soul of another. I can see into someone and feel them squirming under my attention. When I turn back to Dedita I see her in that dark place she has created for her and I know I am her master. She has not left me when my focus was n0t on her, she did not run away or find another man. She buried her head in the sadness and waited for me to return. The sorrow is intoxicating to my sadism and I relish it.

I do bring her out of the darkness eventually. I have to make her know that in the end she is mine and will always be mine. She has to see that I care for her in spite of what other women may have or offer. In the end she is my slave and will be cared for as property should. I will make sure she is well fed and loved and used to make my (and subsequently her) life better.


19 comments on “Cuckquean

  1. That photo is delicious …

  2. “She buried her head in the sadness and waited for me to return. The sorrow is intoxicating to my sadism and I relish it.”

    Are all Sadists this way? Is this what lies at the heart of sadism?

    • MagisterNodi says:

      Sadism (like masochism) comes in many different forms. I am an emotional sadist which is to say I enjoy the emotional pain I can inflict. It is not uncommon but many do not know that they are emotional sadists. They often will act out in unhealthy ways. I am able to fill this need through scenes with an emotional masochist.

      • I appreciate your honesty. Emotional is a word that applies to me. I am also a masochist and I consider myself to be an emotional little. Different dynamics (I know) and not two that I generally find mix readily within the same scene, and yet, there is that commonality: emotional. So when I run across the term emotional sadism, it makes me want to learn more. There were elements of this in the last month with my former Master. I wrote about it in a piece called Twirly World. I am not sure if you read it or not, but it is about our relationship and breakup. In it I said that he would build me up emotionally, allow me to revel in my neediness for him and then abandon me. Is that emotional sadism?

      • MagisterNodi says:

        That is a great piece. The build up and abandonment is definitely emotional but the fact that he was not doing consciously or with your emotional health in mind makes it less a game and more a bad relationship.

          I do not know your relationship

        I cannot say whether it was healthy or unhealthy. I can tell you what this event looks like but without context I cannot talk to the relationship as a whole.

        What I am interested in is the break up that you instigated a month earlier. Emotional masochists will often lead themselves into situations where they are the bad guy. By screwing up or being unduly cruel, an EM can hate herself. Did you break up in a way that made it easy for him to get you back so you could be punished? I am not saying that is what you did but it would fit the MO of an EM that has not admitted to her fetish.

        Thank you for these comments. They have inspired me to write a post on emotional sadism.

      • Yes, I was pretty terrible to him when I broke up with him. I cut him out of my life with one simple sentence. He did not “get me back”. I came back to him. Upon reflection of how I left him and what a good person he is, I eventually contacted him (after five weeks) and we got back together as quickly as we parted. I do think the way he treated me was intentional. I think he was hurting from how I treated him and he wanted me to hurt too.

      • MagisterNodi says:

        This is very much the pattern of Emotional S&M. It sounds like it was not one he wanted to play and when he found himself doing it he removed himself from the equation.

      • Mmmm. Yes and no. In ways I forced his hand. I made a comment that it sounded like he wanted to release me, so go ahead and release me. But he did put that thought into my head. The first few months of our relationship was good (I thought) and it did hurt him the way I broke things off suddenly and without any real warning. And when I broke up with him I sent him one short email and that was it. I never spoke with him again. When we got back together it was this pattern of him making me feel needy for him and then disappearing. Like I said in my writing, I don’t resent him for it and he and I are still close. Who knows. Maybe we could get back together again down the road. I am not counting on it, but I am not discounting it either. I guess in my mind I am wondering if I am in fact an EM and he is a ES or if the scenario at hand just brought out those parts of us. I don’t know that I want to be an EM. I don’t like hating myself or being enveloped in sadness or beating myself up or feeling jealousy. I certainly have the capacity for all of these things, although I am by nature not a jealous person.

      • MagisterNodi says:

        First thing is that a single incident does not a masochist make. It is hard to read from what happened what all may have played into your break up and getting back together.

        As to whether he is an emotional sadist I cannot say for sure but the pattern of creating need and then denying attention is often an accidental cruelty. The fact that he broke it off leads me to believe that he was not getting anything from it.

        Since you broke up with him in a way that you admit was callus and were the one to go back and try to restart. Since you still care for him and are willing to entertain getting back together I would have to say there is a possibility that you have an EM kink to some degree.

        You do not have to hate yourself to like emotional play. Like any masochism, it does not feel good at the time. It was once explained to me as searching out bad relationships not for the relationship but for the tragic end of it.

        Again, I am not saying you are an EM but it would be worth looking at more closely. Knowing what you like helps to get what you need.

  3. Closetquean says:

    Truly enjoy your blog….thank you for sharing with us! I have a blog (a sad, neglected blog), and I took the liberty of posting a link to yours.

    • MagisterNodi says:

      Thank you. Your blog is pretty damn amazing. I love to see your last post about triamory at its most domestic. It is a happy place and I am glad to see it. I have had it. I have loved it and will have it again.

  4. The emotional aspect of cuckqueaning can be so difficult. Reading your post on it is actually enlightening for me. I struggle with the jealousy – I struggle with the squirm and worries, but I crave it. I I’ve never viewed myself as an emotional masochist, but this makes me truly wonder. Thank you. 🙂

  5. closetquean says:

    Reblogged this on closetquean.

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