Notes and Feedback for the Man Behind the Curtain

A friend of mine was playing the other day and sprained her foot. This happens, it is part of any contact sport whether it is football, soccer, Quidditch or sex. Like most of these sports, BDSM participants often wear their wounds like badges of honor. They are the physical reminders of what we have been through. Covered up or explained away when in vanilla public; bruises, cuts, sprains and little marks are like a secret code, a signet rings worn and recognized only by the initiated.

The problem is that it is not fight club. There is no first rule. The public walks in on violent and twisted acts without a complete understanding of what they are seeing and freaks out. People who feel they know what is safe, what is sane, and what is consensual become helicopter parents. They hover over their friends, ready to swoop in at the smallest misstep or miss-cued point on the learning curve. People who have read an idealized version of BDSM, of Master/slave relationships feel that they know best and see growth (especially in the Top) as a sign of weakness, as reason and proof why the concept of power exchange is dangerous. A bottom should not give up control because the top is only human. The Top should never demand control because he will never understand every variable. These kinky Gladys Kravitz not only spoil the fun for their neighbors but are harmful and potentially dangerous. If people do not feel they can explore the power exchange in public they will explore it in private. This is not a new thought. We have seen it with almost everything  forced underground whether that is kink, or sexuality or Christianity. Outlaw it and it will survive in the shadows and underground. As a member of the community I think it is important that we give people a safe place to explore these urges safely. But that means letting people learn.

Working on My Backstroke

One of the most amazing things about the BDSM community I have seen is the number of free educational events there are. Kinksters are some sexy, pervert mixture of gamers, mechanics and librarians. They know everything about what they love and will tell you all the while hiding their growing erection. They are well springs of information and love to share it but often that information is limited to the physical play. I can go to any given club on a Friday or Saturday night and find someone who will show me the right way to flog, the right way to use a bull whip or a paddle. I can a girl who will be glad to hold the St Andrew’s cross while I work on my swing. Power exchange is not so easy to find. Emotional and mental lessons are not as easy to find. Part of the reason is because these are systems, ways of playing and interacting that take finesse and an attention to detail. Part of the reason is because not many are comfortable playing with intense emotional scenes. Most of all most people do not want to feel responsible for the outcome if their advice is followed and the whole thing goes up in flames. The problem is that people are going to do it. The need for an exchange is there, it is in the physical play and will continue to come out and until we start facing it, it will continue to be misunderstood and shunned.

Boyfriend/girlfriend, Master/slave or Both?

If I give you advice on how to be a better boyfriend and you try it and your relationship falls apart am I to blame? No. If I give you advice on being a better Master and you try it and your relationship falls apart am I to blame? The challenge of Master/slave (Dominant/submissive, Owner/property, which ever power exchange label you wish to use) dynamics is that an assumption of omniscience runs through everything like gravity. It is not only seen in the interactions of the Master and his slave but also in the interactions of different Masters. One person will look up to another because of years of experience or skills demonstrated at the club.

This is what we are looking for in the dynamic in the first place. We are looking to find perfection, to strive for perfection, flawlessness in our interactions with others and within ourselves. The problem is that we are all human and are learning as we go. So how do you reconcile these two ideas? How can you be an unerring Master and a human being? Go back to the point made earlier about kinksters. We are all reference nuts, we are collectors of information. We are both the librarians and the libraries. For one person you are a well-spring of information, for another you are an avid reader of their actions. For some people you are both. Remember that as you interact with others and act accordingly. Do you rely on a single source for your news? Do you take it without the appropriate grain of salt given any source? People (yes, even Masters) are sources that have to be vetted and understood. This is not to say you have to choose un-opinionated sources. Fox news and MSNBC are both very valid news sources and loyally followed by millions.

Cultivating a Cult of Personality

There are slaves, peers and mentors. Each level has way of perceiving you and of you perceiving it.

Slaves must see you as in control. This is not to say you must act with precision and grace at all times. Even the most Domly dom will slip on the ice and break his tail bone. One of the few universal truths I have ever come across was that it is not the perfection that makes a capital letter but the willingness to work with whatever comes from his actions. I have broken ribs while playing and while I would have rather they not broken — it ended my scene before sexytime 😦 — I was not afraid to spend the next morning driving all over the western suburbs looking for an urgent care clinic open on a Sunday. I was not aiming to break her ribs but I also was not ashamed. Shit happens. You let someone punch you, you run the risk of getting a broken rib. You punch someone, you can break a rib. Try not to, and do not fall apart when it happens. It will. Man up, take responsibility and move on. This is what a small letter wants out of their interaction. They are not looking for perfection (if the are: BIG RED FLAG) they want to know that they will be taken care of. She wants to know that when shit hits the fan, as it so often does in real life, that she can rely on you. That is not too much to ask and something you should consider before trying to Capitalize your letter.

Peers know as much as you and are willing to share and ask questions at the same time. He shows you how to coil rope, you teach him how to knock a bitch out. It is a give and take and a great place to kvetch. If you are used to the leather community, this may be different but since I was metaphorically born and raised in the New Guard, TNG, Kink 2.0 community, the pool from which you pull these peers can be littered with titles and world views. I find this refreshing. The more varied the sources of my information the more comfortable I am with the conclusions I draw.  Equals, collaborators and partners in crime all work to see the world with fresh eyes that do not assume one right answer. It helps to reinforce opinions and ideas with debate and discussions. Nothing survives inside a vacuum and to think that ideas can live without being scrutinized and analyzed is simple-minded and dangerous. There is a reason that incest is not practiced more in the natural world. If ideas are kept within themselves they warp and mutate. A group of peers can work to ensure you are making progress as a community in a healthy way.

Mentors are like stones in a pond. It creates the force that makes the ripples but it is the shore that shapes them. A mentor allows a new or learning Master to see what will happen without making the decision for him. It is always your choice whether you follow advice and  a good mentor will work hard to make sure you understand that. It is teaching through negative space. It is in the silences a mentor leaves where you will find the lessons. Responsibility must always fall on the decision maker and can never be passed but a good mentor will not only help you understand the consequences of your choices but the natural laws at play. You are learning not only that one plus one is two but why one plus one is two.

All three levels of interactions are important. As you become more experienced, you may find fewer and fewer people to be your mentor and you may take on that role more but all the same all three will play a part in the learning process. What is important is understanding that not one of these interactions leaves the responsibility with anyone but you. You are responsible for your choices no matter what advice or outcome is expected. Perfection is not expected but a willingness to stand up and handle the effects is.

Reviving the Gentlemen’s Club

There is a need for a place where Masters, Doms and others looking to talk shop while maintaining the air of mystery can go. The egalitarian movement has not left much room for the free but unequal exchange of ideas so crucial to power exchange relationships. Tops need to be able to sit together and talk about the issues of import to them without feeling they will be overheard or misunderstood by those they subjugate. They need to be able to hear the stories, the hopes and the fears of others without feeling that what they are hearing, what they are sharing will somehow affect how they are seen by their bottoms, subs and slaves. This is not the place of the clubs that already exist. They fill a vital role of being the centers and hubs for all kink, BDSM, and sex positive people. Fetlife does not have a place for it. The fact that just anyone can join means a lack of control with which comes the risk of leaks that will kill the club before it starts. I think back to the image of the gentlemen’s clubs of England. These were places where the men of society could get away for a while. They were often used as places of residence for young men before they found jobs, homes and families and while I do not think that anything like that is sustainable, I do think the idea of a club that is by invitation only, that is private and intent on remaining that way not as a way of creating superiority but as a way of allowing the growth and education of people interested in the top half of the power exchange while preserving the aesthetic of mystery. It is no longer an idea of keeping someone down because they are not worthy a ranking station but because those of us who enjoy this type of kink want it. Masters want to know that what they are thinking, how they are coming to the conclusions they are coming to, is not being scrutinized by those they control. Likewise, slaves and subs do not want to think their Masters and Doms are not naturally brilliant. They want to keep the feeling of magic and awe. I am not sure what the details would be. I am not sure where switches and others that are not into power exchange would fall. Would they be able to join? Would they be excluded? Is there room for a switch? Would a switch or a sub try to sneak behind the curtain? I am sure these are all issues that have been dealt with before. I am sure this is not the first time someone has asked. I do not feel that I have all the answers but I am sure there are enough of us that this could be made real.

Learning Without Losing Face

No one is born knowing everything. I have seen some amazing natural and raw talent (my seven year old commands as if born into nobility) but even that needs self awareness and actualization  A Master wants to be the best Master he can be. He may decide what that is but it is through an understanding of himself and others that he begins to see how he becomes that. We learn from watching, from talking, from reading and from researching. We need to learn and grow as with any person but the roles we have taken on make it important that at least part of that learning process is kept away from prying eyes. Growing within a group of like-minded kinksters not only will help new Owners take better care of their property, it will begin to give credence power exchange as a legitimate kink in this new BDSM community. When we that play together communicate, coordinate, and support each other, we become not only more comfortably represented in the greater community as a whole, but we better understand that which we are doing within our own homes and kinks.

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What We Mean When We Talk About the Long Game

Dedita is fast asleep in the bed where I left her to nap. She has always had insomnia, but has been sleeping better since she moved into my home. She sleeps the best when she is somewhere between safe and terrified. Too much of one or the other and she will fall of the fence into a field of insomnia. If I am too nice, her dark passenger creeps out looking to be hurt. She snaps and growls and fights in ways that she does not even recognize until well after the fact. If she is brutalized too much, there is no moment of solace and she lies awake waiting for the next attack.

The long game is nothing if it is not about patience. The effects of training are often not felt for weeks if not months after the fact. As I sit here and write, I know that I have started to make a new creature out of Dedita. One that is part her and part who I want her to be. This is the dance of Mastery. You are constantly training, constantly tweaking, changing the body and soul you have been given. Some of the changes are practical, some are aesthetic. Some of the changes are arbitrary, but this does not make them any less important, and in fact, in many ways they are more important.

For me, training my slave is not about making a perfect object. I am a creature of chaos and love the imperfections that make us human. If Dedita did everything right the first time what would be left for me to do as the Owner? I need to feel that my guiding hand is vital to her existence and so does she. We both need to feel that there is something more for her to learn and for me to teach. It is about trying. She needs to feel that she is trying to do better. When the Master or the slave or both feel that there is nothing more to learn, the long painful decline begins.

Lessons can be real and permanent but they can be transitory as well. I want Dedita to lay out my clothes in the morning. I like the clothes she chooses. I like to not have to worry about what shirt goes with what pants and yet still look like I did not get dressed in the dark. This is a permanent rule. This must be done everyday without fail. It is a lesson I am teaching her because it has a real world value. When she learns to do this consistently my life will be easier and her life will have less torment.

Aesthetic lessons are all about style and grace. My girl is an extension of me. People see my hand in her actions and I want to make sure she represents me to the rest of the world in a way I want to be represented. By changing her clothes, by making her become more social and activate that vulnerable but approachable piece of herself. Each Master accesses different facets of his slaves. I like to be social. I like to see people. I like to play games and joke and drink. Dedita has social grace, she has shown it in many ways but as we grow as an interactive couple I like to see her skills put to work for me.

For some this is where the training ends. Once your slave has learned to do what you want without a second thought from her or a second word from you, the lessons are over and the smooth sailing begins. I see this as only the beginning. When the hard lessons, the real lessons, the lessons that have to be taught, have to be learned are finally ingrained, then the fun begins.

It is the stable and founded life of a 24/7 Master/slave that you can begin to twisted and play with the subtle nuances. A look, or a word can be sculpted into the perfect tool or weapon.  Rooms can be made to feel safe, or haunted. You have the rest of your lives to study the detailed expressions held within a sigh. Sex can be explored with entire weeks used to explore the correlation between pleasure and pain. You can build a trigger to incite orgasm at the sound of a bell or inspire near catatonic fear with a touch. You can spend the better part of a month working her into a near constant state of arousal without ever letting her come only to spend the next three-month making her collect orgasms in a journal like a philatelist collects stamps. You have the time to play the long game that has not point other that to see what you can make another person do or believe. Not only do you have the time to play out long tortures, you also have time to change the effects back if you find you do not like them. You can spend a month making her fear your touch. You can make her feel the deep-seated terror of a long-term captive and so every night when you crawl into bed next to her you can feel the tension ripple through her body as you take what is yours. Eventually though you will want you girl back. Eventually you will want to have her crawl up onto your chest and fall asleep with the long peaceful breaths of a pet who feels safe. Like a complicated rope scene, some of the best emotional sadistic scenes need as much (if not more) time to untie as they do to tie.

The long game is not just long in the making but long in the unmaking too. The casual player does not understand why some of us choose to live the power exchange 24/7. For them the games are short and to play with feelings or toys that might leave longer lasting marks seems careless. For me these longer term games, these longer term effects are not only more satisfying, the show to both me and Dedita that what we have is going to be around for the long haul.

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House of Leaves: Scening inside 24/7

If you are looking at BDSM as an extracurricular activity, something you do outside your “normal” life, then a scene is pretty easy to define. Top meets bottom. Top hits bottom. Bottom goes home. It is a moment in time that is negotiated before hand; it has a singularity in Time and Space and there are clearly marked entrances and exits. I could go off for paragraphs on the room metaphor – a room has a very clearly defined existence and that existence can not sustain a person forever. You can only stay in one room for so long before you are looking for a door.

If a scene is a room, then the 24/7 lifestyle is a house. A house has more rooms. It has different rooms for different activities. A house is a place that you can live.

When ZeeGee and I first came out it was clear to us that we wanted to live BDSM and D/s as a lifestyle. Neither ZeeGee nor I are people who lead partial lives. This sense of living completely immersed in a power exchange has gotten stronger for me now that my primary relationship has changed and I have taken Dedita into my house. The dynamic is in everything we do: how the laundry gets done, how we sleep, how we eat. It is so apart of our lives that it has become second nature. We do not think about it often or with much fanfare when I take her by the elbow when crossing the street. We do not feel that it is a “scene” if I make her masturbate while pissing. These are the things that make up our everyday life.

These are not the artifacts of a room seperate from reality, this is reality.

What happens when the two worldviews cross? I have play partners besides my slave. They are scene partners that I build special rooms for in the ever-changing house that is my mind. Dedita sees me working on these rooms. She sees me carrying tools and materials, opening locked doors, and she catches glimpses of what I am building, only to have the door shut before she can step inside.

These rooms are not for her. She knows this, and at times, struggles with it. There is a certain sadistic irony in watching her kick around sad about the rooms she cannot go into when she lives in a house full of rooms which only she can access. This sadness is not because she does not appreciate what she has, but because she sees that others have something she doesn’t. Play partners who are exploring dynamics within a scene often experience this envy as well. They can see the day-to-day existence of their top living in a Master and slave relationship and want to experience that. These are common feelings for both parties.

I don’t feel that you need to avoid situations that create these emotions and longings for your play partners and slaves, but as a responsible partner, you do need to be aware that there will be consequences and actions that result from these feelings. It is often easier to deal with any problems that may arise if you know what is coming. For example, I do not like the effects of a play partner who becomes too attached. I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings or create false expectations, so I make it clear from the beginning that I am not looking for a relationship. I make them understand that I am building them a room, not a home. This is simple and can be dealt with almost completely with clear communication at the onset of the adventure, and by using a take it or leave it approach. I do not negotiate on the level of commitment I can give a play partner; if we aren’t a good fit in that regard, we simply don’t play.

However, with my slave, I am in a different situation, one where “take it” is the only option for her. And if I force her to take something, I am responsible for knowing and handling how she will react to that absolution.

A partner can be defined and limited from the beginning but a slave has to be trained. A slave has to be understood more completely. What Dedita is sad about when she sees me working on a room that is not for her is that I am giving another partner physical attention, focus, and time. She sees what I am doing as a manifestation of my caring. If she feels that I care for others, she sees that she is not a priority in that moment. I have found that I can use this feeling to train her in three different ways: active behavior modification; passive behavior modification; and dynamic maintenance. I am sure other Masters will have different lessons and habits but these work for me.

Active Behavior Modification

By directly connecting the scene building and courting process of a play partner with Dedita’s actions, I can quickly make short-term changes to the way she behaves. Tell your slave about the scene you plan to have with another; tell her why you are doing it; tell her what you like about your other partner. Active modification is clearly explaining what you want from your slave that you are getting from your play partner and watching them change their behavior.

For Dedita, it works best to not be too specific. If you can show your slave what games, sexual acts, and physical punishments you like through a play partner, she will focus on ways to please you, and often offer up alternative ways you can do those things to her. However, be aware that playing, “why can’t you be more like your sister…” is fun but can be counter productive. Look for ways of expressing these desires and needs so as to compare and contrast the two without making the competition too fierce. Having two partners at odds is fun to read about but hell to live through. For a slave with healthy self-esteem, comparison can steer their actions.

Passive Behavior Modification

By taking my attention from Dedita and turning them towards an outside partner, I am redirecting a resource and making her realize that she can lose what she has at any moment. Talking about a scene you are going to do with another person with your slave can seem innocuous, but in fact carries a lot of weight. If she is acting out or being a brat for attention, a few well-chosen words that show her my mind is not only somewhere else, but with someone else, can quickly remind her that she does not make the priorities in this relationship.

Likewise, giving her a role in the creation of the scene, using her to measure height settings of furniture, making her stand in as I check lighting or temperatures, can make her feel both used and deprioritized at the same time. Making Dedita know that I am thinking of the play partner and the scene instead of her, as she would prefer, gives her a very quick and real connection to the idea that I make the decisions This all combines to reinforce the inequality in our power dynamic.

Dynamic Maintenance

I am using the word dynamic as both a noun (a method of interaction) and an adjective (changing) here.

The dynamic between you and your slave is managed through her feeling of place and ownership. Every action you take as an owner is making this bond. How you interact with others, and more importantly how you interact differently with others, affects how you are seen in the eyes of your slave. If you use a partner to fill a need that your slave doesn’t fill, she can feel useless. A person does not remain stagnant, and a useless slave can either try harder to be useful or give up. Knowing which way your girl will respond makes all the difference. Do you want her to feel loved? Do you want her to feel used? Do you want her to feel low? Knowing where I want Dedita to be in the pecking order helps m allocate my resources and prioritize my time.

The other definition of dynamic (changing) maintenance is more about the moment. All relationships are in flux. As humans, we are growing and becoming more emotionally complex every single day. Watching how a slave responds to this partner versus how she responded to past partners can be useful for understanding what she is feeling and thinking. It is through these interactions that we learn whether or not our training has taken hold. If Dedita is responding to a new partner as I planned (i.e. jealous, loving, cold, attentive) then my behavior modification has worked. If she is still responding in ways I do not want, then I know there is more training to be done.

I think of my house like the House of Leaves it is larger on the inside than the outside. I like to make new rooms for my play partners but the real fun for me is making it a constantly changing and shifting home for Dedita. A scene may be a room, it may get my attention for an hour, a day or a week but in the end the room dissolves and the scene is over. The house itself is changing and the games I play with my slave are not about the rooms I make, but the way I lead her through them and the feelings I can create within their walls.

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Neglected Crossroads

There is a crossroads, a nexus, a hub that few people know about. It is quiet little place away from the crowds and the popular attractions of kink. All around it are thriving communities and yet it is not only not used, it is often flat out avoided. Edge players and role players are not often thought of as having much in common but there are so many ways that these two groups can overlap. Role players can find more depth and realism in their games if they understood the dark nature of their characters. Edge players could incorporate method acting to engage in some the most horrible feelings and worlds we can imagine.

I have found that most role players disappoint me. They are stuck in their seats not thinking about the role they are in as a real person but as a two dimensional fantasy. This is a common feeling and I understand where it comes from. Most of us want to role play because it was how we got into sex in the first place. I remember seeing girls in my middle school in jean skirts and big hair. I remember the goth girls that hid their sexuality in short cropped hair and dark lipstick. I remember masturbating to fantasies of them sucking my cock, leaving burgundy rings as they went. I can still feel the new sex excitement when I think of the smell of denim soaked in her juices as we played around in the back of the car. These triggers are what we are trying to recreate in role-playing. We are looking to make the past real again or to manifest dreams. In either case the perfection of the moment makes it difficult to leave the third person head space. To truly enjoy the moment you have to become the character. When the fantasy is too over developed in your head it becomes difficult to get past. Dark fantasies have helped me by giving me a character that is strong enough in himself that I can fall into the role almost completely. These dark roles do not need back story. They do not need to have a motivation explained for you. They are understandable. They are flatter, more purely emotional people. Anger, greed, lust, are ll not only feelings but personas that can be manifest in dark edge play games. Do not over think them, let them be simple and horrible. What you will find is that a feeling role can be liberating and it helps to lay the groundwork for more complex characters later. It is not unlike wearing a path through the woods.

In many of the same ways that edge play helps a role player get in touch with the depth of his role, role play let’s an edge player get in touch with his more horrible side. As a sadist I struggle with my desire to hurt people. It is not just that I want to see them in pain but that I often want to see them suffer. If I am playing hard and exploring the blackest parts of my soul I used to need more aftercare than my bottom. I wanted to know that I was still a good man. I wanted to feel as if what I had done was ok. I was not comfortable in my sadism. I have heard similar stories from masochists as well. The guilt and shame one feels for desiring something which is not only shunned by society at larger but disavowed by many in our own community is often too much to handle. We hide this side away until it must come out and when it must come out, it is usually an explosion. If we can find ways to let it out, we are healthier and happier. If we can limit this shame and guilt the more we are comfortable we are at letting it out. Role play allows you to put the feelings on the character. The anger is not yours, the rage is someone else. You can explore it a little at a time. I find it interesting that the habits we are trying to break away from in role-playing (dissociation) is what we are using as a buffer in edge play. Slowly you become more and more comfortable with the feelings and let them become part of who you are.

Role playing can make things more real or less real depending on the angle from which you enter it. Emotional edge play can make a scene more intense if you are willing to commit to the feelings it brings. When these two kinks cross it is an amazing place to be standing. The realism of the feelings, the fear and terror of watching yourself become this monster, the ability to lose yourself in the role all work to create far more intense and satisfying scenes. We have to learn to see that many of the kinks we see can and do cross each other if we look hard enough. It is the complexity of what we do that makes this an endless game.

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A(n) (In)complete Guide to Bottoming to Me

Introductions

Don’t be shy and wait for me (or anyone for that matter) to make the first move. We are all human beings on equal footing to start off with and it should not be expected that the dom/top/bigkahuna is going to make the first move. Be confident without being arrogant. I like to know a partner knows that she is worth playing with but get turned off by a message which imply I have been graced with your attention. Once the initial greetings are out of the way be willing to meet in person.

Meet Me for Drinks

I am not looking for an online only partner. If I wanted to have hot talk that ended with me masturbating then I would stop taking my meds and get a membership to kink.com. I want to meet you in person and see if there is a real human connection. Who we are online is not the same as who we are in person, no matter how much we may try and be honest. Wear something sexy. Something that shows me you at your vanilla best. There are always exceptions to the rule but generally I feel the best first date is a casual meeting in a public forum where we can have alone time. This should be seen as an interview of sorts so put your best foot forward. Dress well, smile, talk, flirt as if you are trying to impress me. If you do, I will tell you so.

Be Able to Flirt Online

Email, IM, text are all acceptable. This is the 21st century people, get with the program. While the specifics of how and when we flirt will be dependent on what kind of dynamic be ready to send dirty pics and or follow commands. I want to know that we are not chatting up a storm littered with sexual overtones but with no real follow through. Don’t let your fingers type checks your cunt can’t cash. Unsolicited vulgarity at this point is always welcome. These perversions can include but should not be limited to:

  • Public displays of perversion including public sex, anonymous sex, nudity that could end in fines or disbarment (remember: unsolicited I am not asking you to do these things but would love to see the results if you did.)
  • Pics of hot girls in public accompanied by text of what you want to do to them
  • Pics found on the internet that are so disturbing you have to ask yourself, “Is that even really porn?”
  • Voicemail messages of you cumming
  • Creative and humiliating insertions

Likes

I like to experiment; I like to explore. There are really very few things that I am not willing to at least entertain the idea of but for the sake of this post let’s just stick to the knowns.

  • Mind fucks: Fear, sensory deprivation, confusion, disorientation and the accompanying power exchange that comes with this kind of play.
  • Humiliation and Degradation: I like both physical and mental H&D in all the varied forms it comes; from calling a play partner a slut and dirty cum whore, to pissing on her head while she licks the toilet, I like to see how low you can go. It is one part power exchange, one part experiment in human endurance. The point is to see how much you can take and still stand up at the end. I want confident partners who want to push themselves.
  • Age Play: I love to play with the dynamic that is created when I am older and my partner is younger. Teacher/student, Daddy/daughter, Stranger with candy, anything that involves at least some molestation and coercion will work.
  • Carte Blanche Sadism: Look at it like an extreme sport. How far can you push yourself physically? How long can you be tortured, beaten, raped, starved and drown before you break, before you collapse or safeword? There is something truly amazing about endurance not only for the person enduring but also for me. It is a game of seeing how close to the edge can I bring someone and for how long can I keep them there.
  • Forced Orgasms and Orgasm Control: Yeah, what is there not to like about this most sexual of power exchanges?

Dislikes

  • One Trick Ponies: If you have a “thing” that you are into (spanking, rope, leather) and it is all you are into then I am not interested. It may be great, it may be the world and a box of doughnuts to you but I prefer variety.
  • Clinginess: I love to play, I love people and I need to be friends with my play partners but I am not looking for a “relationship”. I am far too lucky already to have one of the most amazing, beautiful and perverted women I know in my life. I want to be friends, I want to chat, I want to play but I do not want you freaking out if I am not available whenever you are.
  • Play sans Sexytime: It is not a deal breaker but as a friend once said, “Play without the sexual tension is just a game like chess and chess [normally] doesn’t make me wet.”

Aftercare

I like to clean up a play partner after taking her apart. I like to see her come out of the shower with her hair clean and the smeared and destroyed make-up washed away. It does not always work out like that. There are scenes when the constraints of space or time do not allow me a chance to see her put back together and smiling before we have to part ways. In these cases I want to hear from you. Just a note that you got home ok, that you had a good (or bad) time. If you have any specific needs or wants from aftercare tell me up front. After a scene where you have given me everything, I deeply enjoy being able to give something unique and special back

Write-ups

After the fact, a day or two later, write down your recollection of the scene. Tell me what you remember, what you felt, what you liked and did not like and what you want to try again. Do not write it for fetlife. Write it for me. Tell me the things that you would only share with the person that was there. If the moment was something you want to put on FL, great! But that is a different write-up.

 

In Closing

I want that look that is at once utter shame and humiliation and pure sexual desire. I want to feel I have given you something — a moment, a feeling, an experience — that is, at once, wanted and not wanted. In that moment when you look up at me desperate and pleading for whatever it is that I want to give, I see why I do this. The beauty and the challenge is that this means different things each and every time with each and every person. What one person easily and comfortable gives of themselves, another may never part with. You may know it is disgusting, may know you should not love it but it if I can’t see that embarrassment, if I can’t see the shame then it does not matter to me. It is proof of the exchange. There in that moment is the gift that I am looking for. If you want to bottom to me be prepared to not just tell me, but to show me that you

 

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The Rules

“I need more structure.”  She had a mischievous grin on her face as she said it. She knew what that meant. The rule is that she can have anything she asks for, she just won’t like it. You want rules? Ok.

This is not going to be a list of the rules that I made for her. I will not sit here and go through the list one by one and explain what the rule is and why it is important. I will not list here for the whole world to see what the punishments will be for breaking the rules. This is where I explain why there are rules. This is where I explore what a rule means to me. This is where I begin the long soul search for internal structure that I can base my rules on.

1. Write rules you care about.

“Do not let her wear shoes in your house.”

I came across a list one day on FL listing rules to make a slave feel owned. I am new to this idea of ownership so it seemed like a good place to start. They ranged from good to crazy which I liked. I could pick and choose from a large list the ones that best suited me. I am not a structured man. I live in a state of chaos. I find its lack of structure reassuring. Coming across a list where the grunt work was already done for me? Win! I decided to try one rule. It would be easier for me to start simple and build my way up.

I told her she could not wear shoes in the house. It was simple and powerful. Our dynamic is built on a Captor/captive role scheme so the idea that she would not have shoes on would limit how far she could get if she ever tried to run away. (The misogynistic allusions were great as well :)) At first it worked. I would watch her and remind her. I would make her carry them down the stairs even in the morning when taking the kids to the bus. I would see her sitting on couch and I would lean over and ask if she was comfortable. When she said yes I would ask why she would risk it all by disobeying. Yeah, that worked well. The problem was that I just did not care whether she was wearing her shoes and frankly waiting for her to put them on at the bottom of the stairs where there was no place to sit was annoying the shit out of me. So it started to fall to the side.

2. Write rules you can enforce.

“In my bed, you sleep naked.”

This was a much more fun rule. It combines a few of my favorite things at once; vulnerability, accessibility, and subjugation. Since it is something that I like it is easier for me to enforce the rule. I notice immediately when the rule is broken and can correct it or not depending on how I feel at the time. I am not a monster. If she is sick and wants to go to sleep in soft clothes then of course I am going to bend a little. The trick is to know when to bend and when to hold fast. A cold is not the flu is not pneumonia. Just because she is a little chilly because I like to keep the fan on does not mean she gets to sleep in clothes. You also have to be sure to address the rule every time it is broken. Just because you are tired when she crawls into bed with your shirt on does not mean you can shirk your responsibility to make note of it. She needs to know that you notice. She needs to know that you care enough to address it. If you don’t then it begins to slip in both of your minds. You let it go yesterday so why not today? She looked great in your shirt so why not let her wear her pjs? Before you know it she is coming to bed wearing muddy boots. This is not to say you have to punish every infraction. Sometimes you are too tired. Maybe you sprained your beating arm playing racket ball. If the offense is small, sometimes you can simply remind her that she is getting away with what you let her get away with. Other times you can chalk it up for a later date. Let the minor issues accrue until she deserves the belt.

3. Write rules for the Master, not the slave.

“Lay out my clothes every night before you go to bed.”

Rules give a slave structure but what do they give you? This question goes back to the first lesson in many ways. If the rule is not something you care about then it is not going to be something you can enforce but it also brings up another point. A slave has a job to do, make your life better. This is good for you (obviously) but it is also good for the slave. She wants to help. She wants to feel useful. If you are making rules that are hard to enforce and do not make your life easier than the hassle is compounded. You are making her do something which takes away from your day and does nothing to reward you. Likewise, if she feels that you are making her do something that does not make you happy then it is going to be hard for her to feel the need to do it on her own. Ideally rules will be ingrained into the slave so you will not have to push her to do them. It is true that some rules are made just to make the slave dance but that has value in itself. It may make you happy simply to watch her prostrate herself every evening when you get home. Humility is an important lesson for slaves to learn.

4. Write your rules like a lawyer.

“Never cum without permission.”

Rules do not need to be fair or fun but they do need to be achievable. I love failure play as much as the next guy but rules are not the place for it. If a slave is given a rule to follow on a daily basis and knows that she will not be able to succeed at least every once in a while, she will lose faith in the rules themselves. Rules are to train and guide, they are not meant to destroy. If you want to make the task difficult know what you expect the success rate to be and make the punishment suitable. As an old boss of mine used to say, “Don’t let the best be the enemy of the good.” There are ways to adapt difficult rules to create a better success rate. The example I give here leaves out an important piece, the permission can be implicit or explicit. This allows me to make the rule easy to follow or difficult depending on my whim. Rules should be thoughtful and crafted. They are one of the main ways a slave can see your hand in her life. Be aware of what you say.

5. Write your rules like a love letter.

“Do not go in my room.”

Rules are a first line of communication. They are personal, they are thoughtful, they should be heartfelt. The rules you put on your slave are going to guide her when you are not there. They are going to give her direction and a feel for what you want from the relationship. Use them wisely. Add variety to the types of rules. Make some sexual and others service. Make some difficult and others easy. Give her a rule she enjoys and rules that she hates. Show her that you are watching and listening to her. It is this understanding of her innermost thoughts and feelings that make a slave feel that she is loved. Likewise, make the rules personal to you. Let her learn to serve you better in ways you have not even thought of by understanding you through your rules. Put them on paper, make them available to both your slave and to you for future reference. They will hold a special place in your relationship next to your contract or wedding vows.

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Coming to Terms

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14 God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me to you.’”

 

What is cruelty? What is pain? What is good or bad? The very foundation of our society states that there is a good and a bad. One is to strive to be good while avoiding bad. One is to be virtuous but what is virtue? The universe does not abide by these ideas. There is no proof in the natural order of planets and stars or in the animal kingdom that shows a right or wrong way. Everything has to be true to its nature no matter what that nature may be interpreted as by an outside observer. We have made God that outside observer and made him judge to what is good and bad but is it “bad” if it is your true nature?

I am a sadist. I hurt people and like to do so. I do not like to do so because they enjoy it, I do it because I like to do it.

and yet…

I am constantly being tripped up by the feeling that what I want is wrong. Society gets you from an early age. It gets into your core and twisted and turns and grows like a heartworm. When you try to realize who you are, what you are, who you need to be, the moral tapeworm flares its barbs and clings to your heart. You have to pull it out slowly. You have to kill it with honesty and understanding. I am a horrible person. I like to do horrible things. There is nothing wrong with that because there is no such polarity as wrong and right.

 

Binary Systems Are Dead

When we see the world in one dimension we see the ends, we see the points where our perception stops and think that whatever lives at either end of that spectrum must be diametrically opposed. The fatal flaw in this logic is that we are looking at a two dimension reality. The straight line is in fact a circle. The circle is in truth a two-dimensional view of a three-dimensional object and so on and what we see is far more complicated that it appears. To imply that our definitions of good and bad are anything more than crudely drawn maps of a complex world is not only naive but dangerous.

 

Here Be Monsters

The only thing I know for certain is that I do not know. If I act as if I do I am acting out of arrogance and ignorance. I cannot tell you what I am doing is good or bad. I cannot tel you what is right and what is wrong. I can do what comes natural to my nature. I am like water, seeking the path of least resistance as I find the lowest point. I am following my nature, I am that I am.

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