Bigger (love) on the Inside

Kink.com Bondage Woman

I have lunch scheduled with a friend for today. He is an old friend from an old life and the last time we talked it was about how one of our close mutual friends had “fallen in with a bad crowd”. What he meant by this was that she was working for Kink.com. I kept quiet. I did not talk about the fact that I had a membership to kink.com, or the fact that ZeeGee and I used it. I did not mention that we had just come out as non-monogamous or that we were kinky. It seemed like more than was fair to dump on him all at once and if I was going to say anything, I was going to say everything.

When it rains, it pours…

I will not do this in half measures. If this is important enough to tell him about, if he is important enough to tell then I am telling him everything. My life is an open book to those I am close enough to. Maybe it is too much for him. He is a good guy with a kind heart and I am not sure if the idea of being cruel, brutal, and controlling are traits he can see without negative connotations. Maybe it is stronger than our friendship.

This is an idea I have been contemplating since before this all began. I have always made friends easily, partially because I am easy-going and willing to listen, and partially because I am willing to talk about what seem to be intimate details of myself. The truth is that I do not consider many of those details intimate and many of the people who were my “friends” are nothing more than acquaintances. When I began to let my inner-self out and I realized that he would not be accepted by most of the people I was associating with, I simply stopped talking to those people. I was not losing something, I was not falling away from real friends because in many cases they did not really know me.

This went for family, and high school friends, and people I met when I first moved to Chicago. They did not know what I was really thinking. I was not losing confidants. I was not losing my secret confessors because I was never telling them secrets, I was never  confessing.

Opening the door to the TARDIS

So he is coming over and I am going to invite him into my house but something will be/is different. I am not going to hold back my thoughts and feelings like I did before. I have come to terms with the fact that I am a monster at times.  I am ok with what I want and who I am. I am also ok with others knowing that. If I have invited you into my house, over my threshold then I feel you can enter into my world. I am not sure what will come of this small experiment in outing myself to my past. Perhaps I will find that this is not what I want. perhaps the world is not ready for my honesty. We will see but in the meantime I have clothes to fold and dishes to wash and all of time and space to explain.

 

PostScript

The meeting went well and all he said to me was, “why didn’t you tell me before?” I told him that I thought he would judge me and he explained that his concerns had always been for how quickly our friend fell in love and had nothing to do with the lifestyle. It was comforting to hear. Not many people understand where any of us are coming from.

 

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House of Leaves: Scening inside 24/7

If you are looking at BDSM as an extracurricular activity, something you do outside your “normal” life, then a scene is pretty easy to define. Top meets bottom. Top hits bottom. Bottom goes home. It is a moment in time that is negotiated before hand; it has a singularity in Time and Space and there are clearly marked entrances and exits. I could go off for paragraphs on the room metaphor – a room has a very clearly defined existence and that existence can not sustain a person forever. You can only stay in one room for so long before you are looking for a door.

If a scene is a room, then the 24/7 lifestyle is a house. A house has more rooms. It has different rooms for different activities. A house is a place that you can live.

When ZeeGee and I first came out it was clear to us that we wanted to live BDSM and D/s as a lifestyle. Neither ZeeGee nor I are people who lead partial lives. This sense of living completely immersed in a power exchange has gotten stronger for me now that my primary relationship has changed and I have taken Dedita into my house. The dynamic is in everything we do: how the laundry gets done, how we sleep, how we eat. It is so apart of our lives that it has become second nature. We do not think about it often or with much fanfare when I take her by the elbow when crossing the street. We do not feel that it is a “scene” if I make her masturbate while pissing. These are the things that make up our everyday life.

These are not the artifacts of a room seperate from reality, this is reality.

What happens when the two worldviews cross? I have play partners besides my slave. They are scene partners that I build special rooms for in the ever-changing house that is my mind. Dedita sees me working on these rooms. She sees me carrying tools and materials, opening locked doors, and she catches glimpses of what I am building, only to have the door shut before she can step inside.

These rooms are not for her. She knows this, and at times, struggles with it. There is a certain sadistic irony in watching her kick around sad about the rooms she cannot go into when she lives in a house full of rooms which only she can access. This sadness is not because she does not appreciate what she has, but because she sees that others have something she doesn’t. Play partners who are exploring dynamics within a scene often experience this envy as well. They can see the day-to-day existence of their top living in a Master and slave relationship and want to experience that. These are common feelings for both parties.

I don’t feel that you need to avoid situations that create these emotions and longings for your play partners and slaves, but as a responsible partner, you do need to be aware that there will be consequences and actions that result from these feelings. It is often easier to deal with any problems that may arise if you know what is coming. For example, I do not like the effects of a play partner who becomes too attached. I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings or create false expectations, so I make it clear from the beginning that I am not looking for a relationship. I make them understand that I am building them a room, not a home. This is simple and can be dealt with almost completely with clear communication at the onset of the adventure, and by using a take it or leave it approach. I do not negotiate on the level of commitment I can give a play partner; if we aren’t a good fit in that regard, we simply don’t play.

However, with my slave, I am in a different situation, one where “take it” is the only option for her. And if I force her to take something, I am responsible for knowing and handling how she will react to that absolution.

A partner can be defined and limited from the beginning but a slave has to be trained. A slave has to be understood more completely. What Dedita is sad about when she sees me working on a room that is not for her is that I am giving another partner physical attention, focus, and time. She sees what I am doing as a manifestation of my caring. If she feels that I care for others, she sees that she is not a priority in that moment. I have found that I can use this feeling to train her in three different ways: active behavior modification; passive behavior modification; and dynamic maintenance. I am sure other Masters will have different lessons and habits but these work for me.

Active Behavior Modification

By directly connecting the scene building and courting process of a play partner with Dedita’s actions, I can quickly make short-term changes to the way she behaves. Tell your slave about the scene you plan to have with another; tell her why you are doing it; tell her what you like about your other partner. Active modification is clearly explaining what you want from your slave that you are getting from your play partner and watching them change their behavior.

For Dedita, it works best to not be too specific. If you can show your slave what games, sexual acts, and physical punishments you like through a play partner, she will focus on ways to please you, and often offer up alternative ways you can do those things to her. However, be aware that playing, “why can’t you be more like your sister…” is fun but can be counter productive. Look for ways of expressing these desires and needs so as to compare and contrast the two without making the competition too fierce. Having two partners at odds is fun to read about but hell to live through. For a slave with healthy self-esteem, comparison can steer their actions.

Passive Behavior Modification

By taking my attention from Dedita and turning them towards an outside partner, I am redirecting a resource and making her realize that she can lose what she has at any moment. Talking about a scene you are going to do with another person with your slave can seem innocuous, but in fact carries a lot of weight. If she is acting out or being a brat for attention, a few well-chosen words that show her my mind is not only somewhere else, but with someone else, can quickly remind her that she does not make the priorities in this relationship.

Likewise, giving her a role in the creation of the scene, using her to measure height settings of furniture, making her stand in as I check lighting or temperatures, can make her feel both used and deprioritized at the same time. Making Dedita know that I am thinking of the play partner and the scene instead of her, as she would prefer, gives her a very quick and real connection to the idea that I make the decisions This all combines to reinforce the inequality in our power dynamic.

Dynamic Maintenance

I am using the word dynamic as both a noun (a method of interaction) and an adjective (changing) here.

The dynamic between you and your slave is managed through her feeling of place and ownership. Every action you take as an owner is making this bond. How you interact with others, and more importantly how you interact differently with others, affects how you are seen in the eyes of your slave. If you use a partner to fill a need that your slave doesn’t fill, she can feel useless. A person does not remain stagnant, and a useless slave can either try harder to be useful or give up. Knowing which way your girl will respond makes all the difference. Do you want her to feel loved? Do you want her to feel used? Do you want her to feel low? Knowing where I want Dedita to be in the pecking order helps m allocate my resources and prioritize my time.

The other definition of dynamic (changing) maintenance is more about the moment. All relationships are in flux. As humans, we are growing and becoming more emotionally complex every single day. Watching how a slave responds to this partner versus how she responded to past partners can be useful for understanding what she is feeling and thinking. It is through these interactions that we learn whether or not our training has taken hold. If Dedita is responding to a new partner as I planned (i.e. jealous, loving, cold, attentive) then my behavior modification has worked. If she is still responding in ways I do not want, then I know there is more training to be done.

I think of my house like the House of Leaves it is larger on the inside than the outside. I like to make new rooms for my play partners but the real fun for me is making it a constantly changing and shifting home for Dedita. A scene may be a room, it may get my attention for an hour, a day or a week but in the end the room dissolves and the scene is over. The house itself is changing and the games I play with my slave are not about the rooms I make, but the way I lead her through them and the feelings I can create within their walls.

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The Rules

“I need more structure.”  She had a mischievous grin on her face as she said it. She knew what that meant. The rule is that she can have anything she asks for, she just won’t like it. You want rules? Ok.

This is not going to be a list of the rules that I made for her. I will not sit here and go through the list one by one and explain what the rule is and why it is important. I will not list here for the whole world to see what the punishments will be for breaking the rules. This is where I explain why there are rules. This is where I explore what a rule means to me. This is where I begin the long soul search for internal structure that I can base my rules on.

1. Write rules you care about.

“Do not let her wear shoes in your house.”

I came across a list one day on FL listing rules to make a slave feel owned. I am new to this idea of ownership so it seemed like a good place to start. They ranged from good to crazy which I liked. I could pick and choose from a large list the ones that best suited me. I am not a structured man. I live in a state of chaos. I find its lack of structure reassuring. Coming across a list where the grunt work was already done for me? Win! I decided to try one rule. It would be easier for me to start simple and build my way up.

I told her she could not wear shoes in the house. It was simple and powerful. Our dynamic is built on a Captor/captive role scheme so the idea that she would not have shoes on would limit how far she could get if she ever tried to run away. (The misogynistic allusions were great as well :)) At first it worked. I would watch her and remind her. I would make her carry them down the stairs even in the morning when taking the kids to the bus. I would see her sitting on couch and I would lean over and ask if she was comfortable. When she said yes I would ask why she would risk it all by disobeying. Yeah, that worked well. The problem was that I just did not care whether she was wearing her shoes and frankly waiting for her to put them on at the bottom of the stairs where there was no place to sit was annoying the shit out of me. So it started to fall to the side.

2. Write rules you can enforce.

“In my bed, you sleep naked.”

This was a much more fun rule. It combines a few of my favorite things at once; vulnerability, accessibility, and subjugation. Since it is something that I like it is easier for me to enforce the rule. I notice immediately when the rule is broken and can correct it or not depending on how I feel at the time. I am not a monster. If she is sick and wants to go to sleep in soft clothes then of course I am going to bend a little. The trick is to know when to bend and when to hold fast. A cold is not the flu is not pneumonia. Just because she is a little chilly because I like to keep the fan on does not mean she gets to sleep in clothes. You also have to be sure to address the rule every time it is broken. Just because you are tired when she crawls into bed with your shirt on does not mean you can shirk your responsibility to make note of it. She needs to know that you notice. She needs to know that you care enough to address it. If you don’t then it begins to slip in both of your minds. You let it go yesterday so why not today? She looked great in your shirt so why not let her wear her pjs? Before you know it she is coming to bed wearing muddy boots. This is not to say you have to punish every infraction. Sometimes you are too tired. Maybe you sprained your beating arm playing racket ball. If the offense is small, sometimes you can simply remind her that she is getting away with what you let her get away with. Other times you can chalk it up for a later date. Let the minor issues accrue until she deserves the belt.

3. Write rules for the Master, not the slave.

“Lay out my clothes every night before you go to bed.”

Rules give a slave structure but what do they give you? This question goes back to the first lesson in many ways. If the rule is not something you care about then it is not going to be something you can enforce but it also brings up another point. A slave has a job to do, make your life better. This is good for you (obviously) but it is also good for the slave. She wants to help. She wants to feel useful. If you are making rules that are hard to enforce and do not make your life easier than the hassle is compounded. You are making her do something which takes away from your day and does nothing to reward you. Likewise, if she feels that you are making her do something that does not make you happy then it is going to be hard for her to feel the need to do it on her own. Ideally rules will be ingrained into the slave so you will not have to push her to do them. It is true that some rules are made just to make the slave dance but that has value in itself. It may make you happy simply to watch her prostrate herself every evening when you get home. Humility is an important lesson for slaves to learn.

4. Write your rules like a lawyer.

“Never cum without permission.”

Rules do not need to be fair or fun but they do need to be achievable. I love failure play as much as the next guy but rules are not the place for it. If a slave is given a rule to follow on a daily basis and knows that she will not be able to succeed at least every once in a while, she will lose faith in the rules themselves. Rules are to train and guide, they are not meant to destroy. If you want to make the task difficult know what you expect the success rate to be and make the punishment suitable. As an old boss of mine used to say, “Don’t let the best be the enemy of the good.” There are ways to adapt difficult rules to create a better success rate. The example I give here leaves out an important piece, the permission can be implicit or explicit. This allows me to make the rule easy to follow or difficult depending on my whim. Rules should be thoughtful and crafted. They are one of the main ways a slave can see your hand in her life. Be aware of what you say.

5. Write your rules like a love letter.

“Do not go in my room.”

Rules are a first line of communication. They are personal, they are thoughtful, they should be heartfelt. The rules you put on your slave are going to guide her when you are not there. They are going to give her direction and a feel for what you want from the relationship. Use them wisely. Add variety to the types of rules. Make some sexual and others service. Make some difficult and others easy. Give her a rule she enjoys and rules that she hates. Show her that you are watching and listening to her. It is this understanding of her innermost thoughts and feelings that make a slave feel that she is loved. Likewise, make the rules personal to you. Let her learn to serve you better in ways you have not even thought of by understanding you through your rules. Put them on paper, make them available to both your slave and to you for future reference. They will hold a special place in your relationship next to your contract or wedding vows.

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Sickness and Mastery

Dedita has been sick. She is hot and cold, has aches and stiff joints. It is the flu and has had her laid up for a day and a half. On Sunday night as the flu set in, she began to show how she acts when sick. She was cranky and combative but incredibly servile and tried with all the energy she had to clean the house and finish her chores. I watched as she fought  the sickness like a little girl fighting the need for sleep and I was enamored. It is in these off moments that we learn more about ourselves and our relationship than anywhere else.

A sick slave is both sick and a slave which is to say that I as her master have to be both firm and caring. She needs to be looked after by the loving and the brutal sides at the same time. If you do not take care of the flu, the sickness will take over and make her miserable but it is the dynamic that gives her comfort and shows love. The strange thing is that as I saw this developing, I could see that it was a place I not only could understand, but one I enjoyed.

I got medicine out and made her take it while she sat on the couch trying to wrap her head around the work she had to do for the day. It was too strenuous for the state she was in so I gave her nighttime medicine so she could sleep. While she slept I got my writing done for the day so as to be able to pay attention to what she needed in the way of care. I left several of the smaller tasks in place throughout the day so she could feel like she was active. She lays out my clothes every morning and packs the boys lunches. These chores are quick and relatively painless so she could work on them in the moments when her energy returned and be done before it waned again. I helped her with a few of the heavier chores such as the dishes to make sure she felt my presence and knew that even though she was sick the house was being managed.

She hates to be touched when sick but like all little girls, she needs to feel strong arms around her, especially in these moments. I would kiss her forehead and rub her back frequently but briefly so as to not over stimulate her sensitive skin. I have clothing requirements for her. She is to wear skirts and dresses, always being sexually available to me but in these moments I know she is not sexual. I let her dress down, wear pants, big wool socks, etc for now but I still have needs so when she is better I will be more than making up for this dry spell the flu has imposed on me. I use this time to think of ways I can use her body. I browse the internet for ideas and let my blood warm with future torments.

The most interesting thing I have noticed about how my Dedita is when sick is that she is a cranky brat. She has a short fuse and is easily irritated. Little things that are the way things are she would normally accept but make her growl and snap when she is sick. I do not let these pass without comment or a stern look that tells her that she has stepped out of line but the punishments will not come until later. A quick word in a sharp tone puts her back into place and then I let it drop. No need to drag out lectures when she is not acting herself. These little bites and barks are nothing more than the flu talking. I am not going to train the flu out of her so while they cannot go unattended, they can not be changed.

Our oldest boy is home today, sick with the flu. Dedita is still sick and lonely as I try and write and take care of him as well as her. I am gathering them together and we are heading out to the thrift store. The fresh air and change of venue will do us all good. I am looking forward to the time away from the house because it helps her to remember her place in the greater world; at my side

The Chronicle of a Newly Minted Master

Original: http://gregorystgermain.tumblr.com/post/30982923852

It has been four years since ZG and I started our first explorations of the power dynamic. Up to then I had no idea that people voluntarily gave up control to others in these types of games and relationship. ZG was reading trashy romance novels where the heroines were strong, brash young things just waiting to be put in their proper places by stronger men. We were on vacation, just the two of us for the first time in years, and in the morning I was feeling horny. She was not and after a little back and forth about who this always seemed to be the case she turned to me and said, “You are in control. You don’t have to stop just because I don’t like it.” It was a revelation for her. She was able to give up control and be used as someone else desired. It took me much longer.

 

When we were young…

That first encounter told me I could use her but at the time I did not understand what was meant by the word “use”. I felt as if it meant that I could roll over onto her in the morning and fuck until I came then I was to  pull out and grab a shower. I thought what I was being offered was nothing more than a warm hole on occasion without the need for foreplay. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of having a fuck toy at your beck and call was alluring even before I knew what that truly meant. I was simply not aware of what that could really entail. What she was really offering me was the ability to use her in any way I wanted. I could fuck her mouth, cunt, ass. I could fold her in half or try and fit both my hands in her ass. I could put my dick so far down her throat she passed out. I could fuck her with bottles or dildos. It meant things I did not even know were things (suturing and genitorture) and things I could not even imagine liking (rape and watersports). What I was being offered was a new way of looking at the very foundation of relationships. What I did not know then was that what ZG was offering me was a way of gaining control of my life that I had thought was not possible.

I am an observational learner. I have to see something happen to understand it. I could not pick up a book on being a dominant or master and read about the ins and outs of power exchange. I had to see the interaction, watch people control and be controlled. I had to try and fail and try again and fail again until I was comfortable. I started with simple D/s and tried to define it as something that happened in the bedroom only. ZG and I were an egalitarian couple and I was afraid that even though she said she wanted it, I was going to end of fucking things up by pushing this too hard. D/s was not enough for us and we struggled to build this new dynamic on the constantly shifting sands of uncertainty. She did not know what she wanted. I did not know what I wanted and more importantly neither of us knew what we wanted.

It has been four years now and I am starting to understand what I want more. I can see what is available in the way of relationships and control. When you have someone who gives of herself so completely, the way they dress, the way they act, the way they sleep and eat, you begin to feel like you have a place in her life. I like having that place. It makes me secure to exert control to that level. A submissive is willing to give of themselves to a point. There is always an implied veto where they can say no to a command if they feel it is too unreasonable and it will not destroy the relationship. A slave does not make that distinction. They give themselves so completely. There is no thought to saying no. This is comforting because it means you can focus on making decisions not figuring out how to make the decision stick. It also means that you have to choose your path with a level of intent and meaning you would not have to have if it were a D/s paradigm. That person who has given everything she is to you must be taken care of. she must be handled in a way that watches out for her because she is putting her faith in you in a way that is pure. It is a lot of pressure but it is also an amazingly liberating way of living.

 

So things change, people change, interest rates…

I do not have the relationship I wanted with ZG. We talk about it now and again and both agree it was a pipe dream to think we could have it. We were not the same people when we met. We did not know what was out there, what we wanted, who we were. It is sad to see things change when you can still remember the good times. It seems so easy to think back and see how you got where you are and feel that maybe, just maybe you can retrace your steps and try again. You can’t. Time is a path we walk down backwards. You cannot go back. You cannot know what you have learned. You can only hope you learn from the past and work to be a better person from what you learned. I hope that I know myself better now. I hope I understand what I need better and the things I did before that let my past relationship slip through my fingers. It saddens me to lose something that meant so much but I will not let that get in the way of me making things better for me and mine.

 

PS – I have been thinking about the idea of ownership because of this but will leave that for another post.

Finding new dynamics

Titles are important. Labels give us a place to start when thinking about someone and how they interact with the world. We know who we are by the names we give ourselves, the names others give us. In this game of musical chairs that is my relationships, I am made to think about this more than I have in a long time. What am I to those I love? What are they to me? What is important to keep in the dissolution of old ties and what can be left behind?

I am still married. I will be for a while since that is not a connection I want to lose just yet. ZG was my best friend and is the mother of my children. I keep that connection to her because it is not a relationship I walk away from easily but the more familiar connections, the protection, the D/s is not there. It is okay. Life changes, we move on. The irony is that this is the easier relationship to define. It is the known. It is the connection that I know and feel most comfortable drawing lines around. What I have with my new girl is much more challenging.

 

Girlfriend

The title is simple and self explanatory. She is a girl and she is my friend but this is conventional moniker. It conveys a vanilla relationship, an egalitarian connection between two people. A boyfriend and a girlfriend ride bikes together and argue over whether they are going to rent a romantic comedy or an action film. A boyfriend makes his move by being smooth and putting his hand around his girlfriend’s shoulder in the theater. We began this dynamic knowing neither of us wanted parity. She wanted someone who would control her and I wanted someone to control. She meets me with eyes that show her desire to be told what to do, where to stand, what to say.

 

Slave

She considers herself a slave. It is a frame of mind for her. I cannot explain it as well as she can. The enslavement is a feeling of belonging, a place in someone’s life. She makes my life run smoother. She is the reason I can be writing now and not losing my shit, trying to wrangle the boys. The problem is in the title. For me to address her to others as “my slave” makes me throw up a little in my mouth. I get a feeling of Gorean melodrama. I see her as collared and branded and memorizing the positions. I am a modern man. I have no need for titles that smack of elitism. My place in her life and hers in mine are based on mental connections and desires. They do not need to be formal.

 

Girl

She is my girl. I look at her as my girl, as someone I protect. I see her as my child, helping me to make the house I want. My home is my castle and I am the king, she is my princess learning to rule as I would have her rule. The trick is that there is more to it than just that. She is a child in many ways but she is also a woman. She has a daddy who has raised her to be strong and healthy. I am not starting from scratch.

 

Captive

A large part of our sexual relationship and our power dynamic is based on my controlling her every move and training her to be mine. I wash her brutally, scrubbing her raw and violating her while cleaning. I hold her in the water and force my cock into her throat. She knows her place when we shower is curled up in the corner with her mouth open. I disrupt her sleep, I control her orgasms. I make her cum on command and fear my touch as much as she craves it. This dance of kindness and brutality draws her to me in a way that allows me to take her shopping and still feel the connection. She has a cast down look that says that she wants to escape the pain but craves the care too much to run away.

 

So what is it? What is the name, the title, the label that I put on her and our relationship? Is she my girl, girlfriend, slave or captive? Short answer is yes, she is all this and so much more. We are mental players. We feel more and see more with our minds’ eyes. She is fulfilling in this connection and I look forward to watching it grow.

Putting the Sub in Subconscious

I have been hearing a lot lately about subs having very vivid, very obvious dreams. The kinds of dreams with so much obvious subtext that you don’t have to be Jung to understand it. It makes me think of when I dreamed. When I was much younger, I was a avid dreamer. Lucid dreams, prophetic dreams, subconscious dreams, even waking dreams were a part of my existence. There have been several changes in my life since then (less sleep, more stress, sleep apnea) that are probably far more realistic explanations to why I don’t dream nearly as much I used to but for the sake of this post and for aesthetic reasons I am going to stick to the idea that I am much more conscious of what I want and need than I was when I was 18.When I was growing up there were many things that I assumed were impossible. Things that had resigned myself to existing only in the imagination. It is one of the first things that we are taught by our families, by society; there is a difference between fantasy and reality. Some things exist (cheese, birds, oxygen) and some do not (Santa Claus, God, a chance that I will ever give a shit about sports). It was a way of fencing in the imagination and focusing our attention on those things that are real and can be changed. Flights of fancy are all fine and good but they are limited in their practicality. There are certain unreal things that are not worth spending your mental energy on. At the age of 16 I started to explore metaphysics and religion and while these ideas allowed me to be more creative in my thinking, they still seemed to be only metaphors, images that reality wore like ceremonial dress. They are not real in the real sense of the word. They were just ways of perceiving what is real more creatively. But they did allow me to explore the idea of changing the world around me through creative thought. I could imagine the world as I wanted it more vividly when it was wearing a metaphor than when I was staring at the naked reality that sat in front of me and so I pushed more and more to incorporate these metaphor images into my life.I became a writer. I began to read surrealist writers. I started looking for images, stories, fantasies that could be create from the world around me. The old women on Michigan Ave that wore long fur coats and read any book that Oprah suggested became savage hunters wearing their Mac cosmetics like war paint. The friends who drank and smoked and wasted their potential on unproductive philosophies became manifestations of the Buddha, or Christ and Krishna. I was seeing the world that I did not like in ceremonial clothes that were at least entertaining. The reality of it was that I was not changing the world, I was changing how I saw the world. I was imagining Hitler in his underwear; I was taking the things in life I feared or disliked and making them ridiculous.

Then I got married. I got serious. I became a father. I saw that I had to be responsible, mature. I let these images slide away and concentrated on that which was in front of me. I stopped writing. I got a job that paid well and wasn’t horrible. I started seeing the good in the real world. It was as if I had spend so many years looking out past the fence that kept real and unreal separated that I had never seen what this fenced in world was all about. I began to explore the real world and it was pretty good. Were there things missing? Sure, but that is life, not everything that you want is attainable. You accept this and then you move on. I could still have those fantasies, I could still live out my imagination within my head as long as I knew that was not the same as the real world.
“I can do that?” The question echoed through my head for the first several months after ZG and I came out as kinky and open. Here was a reality filled with acts and ideas that I had long ago relegated to the world of fantasy. Threesomes, multiple partners while remaining married, hurting and violating and degrading people were some of those long held dark fantasies that I allowed myself to think about because they were clearly outside the well defined borders of the real. Now they were being offered up as common place, not only as real but as nearly ordinary. The biggest revelation was that if these ideas that I had thought to be far beyond possible were not then what other things, ideas, desires were within reach? The truth is there is nothing out of reach. It is just a matter of want, determination and manifestation. If you can imagine it, it can be real.

Maybe this is what happened to my dreams. Maybe this fundamental shift in my understanding about the make-up of reality has brought my conscious and unconscious minds into sync removing the need for the subconscious to translate. The more you feel you have control the more you feel free to explore the reality of your wants. Perhaps this is the opposite of what is happening with the subs I know who have become so highly attuned to their subconscious dreams. Where I feel more in control of not only my life but my very reality, they have all but let go of their conscious mind, their needs to control and have become completely centered in their subconscious.