Feeding Off Her Pain


An interesting conversation was started by thedreamingsub that inspired me to talk on the nature of my sadism…

Oxford defines sadism as, the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. This is often expressed in the form of physical pain. Most people think of the sadist as the big bad wolf, wielding whips and knives as his victims hang by chains in his basement. Well, that is the romanticized sadist. Even those who know sadists see them as physical people with a predilection for bruises and blood. This is not an untrue image but it s far from being the only type of sadist there is. While I enjoy causing physical pain and am just as proud as the next man when a play partner tags my name on her bathroom mirror shots of bruised thighs, it is not my main stimulus. I am, above all else, an emotional sadist.

An emotional sadist is just as it sounds, a person who derives sexual pleasure from the emotional pain of his partners. I like to play with the mind more than with the body. I want the mindfuck, the fear play, the consensual non-consent where no is ignored as you both explore places that are in the shadows of even our community. My heart is pounding the hardest when my blackest thoughts are realized. My blackest thoughts are realized when I feel that I have the soul of another person in my hand. I have another person’s soul in my hands when I see my words cutting them in ways that no knife ever could.

In the beginning…

When I was in tenth grade, my high school had a special day where the regular curriculum was set aside and alternative classes were taught. One of the classes was on using directed mental imagery. I spent the rest of the day in a world of my own creating. It was filled with mountains and forests, with roads and castles and ninjas and werewolves (I was fifteen, what did you expect). I fell in love with the potential of the human mind. I could create feelings in myself, I could remember textures and smells and recreate sensations with no outside stimulus.

I started to study hypnosis and found a new way to influence not only my own internal world but others as well. I wanted to use it to fuck girls without their knowing it but I refrained out of ethical integrity. It was difficult but I did it. Other games came into play and soon I was playing the role of the psychic. It was a short lived role because it felt inauthentic. I was in another person’s head with the implication that I had some magic power. This ability, this talent I have for what I was later to learn is called cold reading people, seemed manipulative so I put it away.

Rebirth

 When I found kink I quickly learned that many of the things I wanted to do were not only accepted but sought after by others. They wanted it. They wanted to be controlled, twisted, fucked with. I pulled my talents off the shelf and began playing with them. At first it was in a topping way. I would toy with minds, fuck with the senses, as a service. I took the name Magister Nodi: Master of Knots because I could tie the mind up without rope. I was Daedalus. I was the maker of labyrinths. The service was great in that I was able to do what I wanted but it was still for others and while I do enjoy the game and I do enjoy the effect, it was for them and not for me. I wanted something more.

I met a girl who, in one of the most horrible moments of my life, said to me, “What if you are an emotional sadist?” It was an interesting thought. What if I was not getting what I wanted from this type of play because I was doing it for the wrong reasons? What if I let go and did it for myself as opposed for others? What a concept! Are there people out there that wanted that? Are there women out there that wanted to not only to be fucked with but wanted to be mentally tortured not because they were complicated creatures but because it was a form of submission for them? I chewed on this for a while. I thought about the possibilities. I could be my darkest, most cruel self consciously and it would not only be ok, but it would be craved. It was like that day in high school when the idea of a world beyond the physical opened up.

Coming to Terms with Your Dark Passenger

I am learning to be ok with this. Society (and the kink community at large) still sees this with disdain at best. Most see emotional sadism as abuse. They see it as manipulation, as toying with the soul in ways that cannot be fixed. The thing is that emotional play is not any more dangerous than other forms of edge play but the wounds and the scars are less visible. They are not more damaging but most people miss the signs. Most people cannot see the effects or know how to tend to the wounds. It is not as simple as washing off the cut, or curling up with a blanket and giving her a cup of hot chocolate.

It is about knowing that emotional masochists need to feel the pain. Taking it away too soon is as damaging as not showing you care. You have to balance the two. Likewise you have to know how much repair you can do and how much has to be done by the person you played with. If you beat a girl unconscious and pick her up and think she can stand you will drop her even harder when you let go. She must be allowed to lie in a puddle on the floor and find her own feet when she is ready. This is difficult for an ethical person because after the darkness has passed all you want to do is hold her and love her. It is an interesting feeling, that moment after. You are lighter, freer than you have ever been before. Suddenly the anger, the angst, the blackness that had been filling the corners of your eyes is gone. I am at that moment filled with love and peace. It is for me as important a feeling as the pain is. It is in that moment that I remember, not my humanity, but the potential for all humanity.

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Edge Play: A Definition

Edge play is one of the most nebulous things I have come across in all of kink. You can talk to ten different perverts and get ten different definitions of what it is and what it is not. As I was sitting down to write another post I found myself having to define what I meant by edge play. After about three paragraphs of this tangent I realized that it was a post of its own that needed to be written first.

 edge/ej/

     Noun: The outside limit of an object, area, or surface; a place or part farthest away from the center of something.

 play/plā/

     Noun: Activity engaged in for enjoyment and recreation.

We come to kink for different reasons but one of the common threads to our varied journeys is that we are looking to explore. We want to push ourselves, our partners, conventional wisdom beyond the point of comfort. Is pleasure always good? Is pain always bad? Is a full and complete life one that does not experience the darkness? We want to see if there is more to life than the happiness we are told daily we should be seeking. Even in the community, there are those who fell that the questions are not answered with flogging scenes and nipple clamps. There are those of us who need to be pushed even farther.

A place farthest away from the center of something…

This piece of the definition holds the key to why we have such varied ideas of what edge play is. Farthest away from the center of what? The center of society? The center of happiness? The center of safety? The center of self? Each of these is true in a different definition and often overlap.

  • Society: Society is a power influence. It is the consensus of what is acceptable and what is not. American society is hetero, male, white middle class. The farther you are from that image the more toward the edge you are. Gender bending, cross dressing, sexual fluidity and other ways of living outside this norm push the comfort zone of conventional wisdom. Is this edge play? To many, yes it is. You are putting your exploration in the face of all that you have been taught to be accepted. But for many this is not an edge. For many this is where they want to live not because it is outside the norm but because it is their personal norm. One person’s edge is another person’s home.
  • Safety: I have pulled a half a pint of blood out of someone and covered her in it. I have used electricity, knives, needles and breath play to see what the human body can take. Are these edges? Yes. Playing with tools that are inherently dangerous, opening the body up, exploring the world with weapons are all things that can end badly. If you have a sub tied to a cross as you flog her, the  number of things that can go horribly wrong are limited; when you pull a knife out and trace it along the body, more so. Many physical edge players will tell you that they do not practice SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) kink but instead prefer RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). They know that what they are doing carries risk of injury but are willing to play with it anyway. They take the precautions they feel are necessary and move ahead ready to deal with the outcomes whatever they may be. This is a place of contention within the community. Many see it as personal responsibility to manage how each person plays, others feel a need to keep people safe and educated to the dangers. It is true that some people play with fire without understanding the dangers associated with it but the debate for the ages is whether it is the communities responsibility to manage them.
  • Self: One man’s kink is another man’s nightmare. The world is full of triggers and phobias. What is the end of the world for one person may be nothing more than the start of the journey for another. If you have a fear not being able to move, rope may be too much for you to handle. If you grew up in a house with a domineering father, playing with D/s may be a trigger. To someone outside your personal experience may see what you are doing as nothing out of the ordinary but for you it is hard, intense, life changing.
Why the fuck would you do that?!?

There are risks in every kind of play. Hell, you can step out of your house an be hit by a bus.* Edge play just happens to be more so. So what makes a person want to risk life, limb and sanity with such dangerous “games”? The answers depend on the person but most will tell you it is about being alive. I have run into more than one edge “player” who takes great offense to the play nomenclature. This is not a game, it is not a joke. It is as real as anything they experience walking down the street. To many (myself included) what they experience in an intense scene is more real. It is in the moment that the false trappings of civilization fall away and the soul is left bare. At the edge you stare off into the existential abyss.

If you live in the boondocks and are thinking “Ah Ha! There are no buses near my house!” Replace Bus with Bear and hit with eaten

With great power…

Edge play is about personal freedom. It is about exploring the darkest corners of the psyche and looking into the void and seeing The Nothing looking back. It should not be seen as a bad thing when you want to play on the edge. It should not be seen as a pathology that needs to be monitored. We are all adults. This means that we have the right to make our own choices about what risks we are willing to take on. It also means that we have a responsibility to not make others feel outcast for what they do. When a kinkster is outcast in his own community, do you think he stops doing it? No! he goes underground, he hides in his bedroom and does what he wants to do without having the support of the community to help him do it as safely as possible. When we shun the ABDL, when we cringe at the Furry, when we turn up our noses at the auto-erotic asphyxiator we are saying more about us than them and in the process, weakening our community.

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