Feeding Off Her Pain

An interesting conversation was started by thedreamingsub that inspired me to talk on the nature of my sadism…

Oxford defines sadism as, the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. This is often expressed in the form of physical pain. Most people think of the sadist as the big bad wolf, wielding whips and knives as his victims hang by chains in his basement. Well, that is the romanticized sadist. Even those who know sadists see them as physical people with a predilection for bruises and blood. This is not an untrue image but it s far from being the only type of sadist there is. While I enjoy causing physical pain and am just as proud as the next man when a play partner tags my name on her bathroom mirror shots of bruised thighs, it is not my main stimulus. I am, above all else, an emotional sadist.

An emotional sadist is just as it sounds, a person who derives sexual pleasure from the emotional pain of his partners. I like to play with the mind more than with the body. I want the mindfuck, the fear play, the consensual non-consent where no is ignored as you both explore places that are in the shadows of even our community. My heart is pounding the hardest when my blackest thoughts are realized. My blackest thoughts are realized when I feel that I have the soul of another person in my hand. I have another person’s soul in my hands when I see my words cutting them in ways that no knife ever could.

In the beginning…

When I was in tenth grade, my high school had a special day where the regular curriculum was set aside and alternative classes were taught. One of the classes was on using directed mental imagery. I spent the rest of the day in a world of my own creating. It was filled with mountains and forests, with roads and castles and ninjas and werewolves (I was fifteen, what did you expect). I fell in love with the potential of the human mind. I could create feelings in myself, I could remember textures and smells and recreate sensations with no outside stimulus.

I started to study hypnosis and found a new way to influence not only my own internal world but others as well. I wanted to use it to fuck girls without their knowing it but I refrained out of ethical integrity. It was difficult but I did it. Other games came into play and soon I was playing the role of the psychic. It was a short lived role because it felt inauthentic. I was in another person’s head with the implication that I had some magic power. This ability, this talent I have for what I was later to learn is called cold reading people, seemed manipulative so I put it away.


 When I found kink I quickly learned that many of the things I wanted to do were not only accepted but sought after by others. They wanted it. They wanted to be controlled, twisted, fucked with. I pulled my talents off the shelf and began playing with them. At first it was in a topping way. I would toy with minds, fuck with the senses, as a service. I took the name Magister Nodi: Master of Knots because I could tie the mind up without rope. I was Daedalus. I was the maker of labyrinths. The service was great in that I was able to do what I wanted but it was still for others and while I do enjoy the game and I do enjoy the effect, it was for them and not for me. I wanted something more.

I met a girl who, in one of the most horrible moments of my life, said to me, “What if you are an emotional sadist?” It was an interesting thought. What if I was not getting what I wanted from this type of play because I was doing it for the wrong reasons? What if I let go and did it for myself as opposed for others? What a concept! Are there people out there that wanted that? Are there women out there that wanted to not only to be fucked with but wanted to be mentally tortured not because they were complicated creatures but because it was a form of submission for them? I chewed on this for a while. I thought about the possibilities. I could be my darkest, most cruel self consciously and it would not only be ok, but it would be craved. It was like that day in high school when the idea of a world beyond the physical opened up.

Coming to Terms with Your Dark Passenger

I am learning to be ok with this. Society (and the kink community at large) still sees this with disdain at best. Most see emotional sadism as abuse. They see it as manipulation, as toying with the soul in ways that cannot be fixed. The thing is that emotional play is not any more dangerous than other forms of edge play but the wounds and the scars are less visible. They are not more damaging but most people miss the signs. Most people cannot see the effects or know how to tend to the wounds. It is not as simple as washing off the cut, or curling up with a blanket and giving her a cup of hot chocolate.

It is about knowing that emotional masochists need to feel the pain. Taking it away too soon is as damaging as not showing you care. You have to balance the two. Likewise you have to know how much repair you can do and how much has to be done by the person you played with. If you beat a girl unconscious and pick her up and think she can stand you will drop her even harder when you let go. She must be allowed to lie in a puddle on the floor and find her own feet when she is ready. This is difficult for an ethical person because after the darkness has passed all you want to do is hold her and love her. It is an interesting feeling, that moment after. You are lighter, freer than you have ever been before. Suddenly the anger, the angst, the blackness that had been filling the corners of your eyes is gone. I am at that moment filled with love and peace. It is for me as important a feeling as the pain is. It is in that moment that I remember, not my humanity, but the potential for all humanity.

Enhanced by Zemanta


Which side of the wall are you on?

I am not new to cuckqueaning. It was something that ZG and I played with when we first started to introduce others into our sex lives. She loved to watch me fuck others. Something about it was great for her and before I explore this more deeply I want to take a moment to lay out some definitions.

To cuckold someone is to engaged in sexual acts in front of your partner. A man whose wife or partner fucks others in front of him is a Cuckold, a woman is a Cuckquean. It is not an uncommon kink for people to have and one that many people happily play with. Some get off on feeling cucked, others from doing the cucking. Some want to be forced to watch while others want to only know that it is happening somewhere out of sight. It is not unrelated to cheating and “the other woman” stories that give nonmonogamy a bad name but there are ways that it can be explored ethically.

ZG was not a jealous person. She never felt pangs when I would fuck or play with others. In fact she actually enjoyed it quite a bit. This made it easier for us to play with cuckqueaning because it meant that no matter what was done, no matter what was said, she would not feel destroyed in the end and the emotional clean up was easy. I fucked a woman in front of her while ZG was forced to please her husband. I made her piss herself and stand in her own filth while I fucked my girlfriend and talked about how we were going to make ZG an animal. I made her eat my cum off the ass of another woman. The list really goes on and on and while the images are hot and yes, the times were great, there was something missing. I could not put my finger on what it was until recently.

I was never into the cuckqueaning of ZG. I loved fucking other women, I loved making her watch, I loved degrading her for loving to watch but there was something that seemed, I don ‘t know, flat about the whole event. Nothing about what we were doing was special because we were married. It would have been just as much of a turn on if the other person watching was another play partner. It did not have the kink to it that I wanted. I did not know that but now I do. The kink I wanted was the jealousy. I wanted the head game that can go along with cuckqueaning.

I play with people for very specific reasons. I like to feel the desire of a new partner. It is a very powerful feeling when you first open that present and everything that you do is new and special. It is emotionally fulfilling for me to see the new responses, the new looks, the new touches, the orgasms. I am an explorer searching the Amazon for new and rare orchids. I am a gardener planting mixed seeds to see what flowers come up. It is a great feeling to see this new relationship, this new body as it opens up but it is not the only thing in the world. I also love the feeling of the known and existing relationship.

A loving and long term relationship brings me comfort and security. I can explore the depths of who I am, who she is. It is the long game. We are in this for the long haul and this gives me a place to explore so much more over a much longer period of time. A long term relationship is filled with a firmer and more complete understanding. You know that the little hick-ups that would cast a new relationship into the dirt are not going to affect it. Arguments are going to be had but they are not going to be the end of the world. This is the foundation which all further growth happens.

But a relationship is like a field, it needs to be tilled to be healthy. The ground can become packed and hard. The water cannot penetrate it, seeds lie in the top, unable to sprout. The rich soil of the long term relationship needs to be turned over ever now and again. She has to be shaken and shown that what she has in me is worth keeping, I have to see her reach out for me in a way that says she cares. There are different ways to do this, for us cuckqueaning is one. She sees me flirt with other women. She sees the way my attention zeroes in and the intensity fades the rest of the world to nothingness. She can see me as I am to others and she can crave that. She feels left out, it drives her emotional masochism and makes her feel that she is not worthy, not earning the look I am giving another. For me the seduction of the person is clarifying. I am reminded that I have ability to burn the soul of another. I can see into someone and feel them squirming under my attention. When I turn back to Dedita I see her in that dark place she has created for her and I know I am her master. She has not left me when my focus was n0t on her, she did not run away or find another man. She buried her head in the sadness and waited for me to return. The sorrow is intoxicating to my sadism and I relish it.

I do bring her out of the darkness eventually. I have to make her know that in the end she is mine and will always be mine. She has to see that I care for her in spite of what other women may have or offer. In the end she is my slave and will be cared for as property should. I will make sure she is well fed and loved and used to make my (and subsequently her) life better.