In the Name of Science: Fruit Salad

So often we ask ourselves why it is we do what we do, but always as a way of ridding our souls of guilt. It is a way of navel gazing and ruminating on why we are so fucking sick. Well, I am passed that. Now it is time to think about why we do what we do in a very physical way. So the question I want to ask, the question I want to answer (in the name of science) is what fruit makes the perfect edible gag?

First, why fruit? Why not? It is cheap, easily found in either the home or on the road. It makes any girl look like she is the other white meat. The variety of things that can be used, the flavors, sizes and textures all come into play. The best part is that, at the end when all is said and done, you can eat it to restore your electrolytes and sugars. As the kids say, win!

So the experiments start simple and familiar. The orange is a good standby for several different reasons: various sizes, the bitter taste and feel of the rind on the teeth, the sweet juice… the list goes on and on. A clementine is a great choice because they are small enough for the subject to almost get completely in her mouth. This means less distended jaw, which means longer play time. They are also available in bags and if you have not beat someone with a bag full of oranges then you really haven’t lived. They do a fair to middling job when it comes to muffling sound, and the orange juice does create a decent amount of saliva. All in all they are the most average of fruit gags. As an analogy, a fruit gag is to Street Fighter as a clementine is to Ryu.

The apricot is a crafty little fruit with far more potential than I would have expected. The small size means it can go completely in the mouth, which is good for muffling sound and the fuzzy skin is a great irritant. Of all the fruit I tried, this is by far the best to keep someone quiet. I was disappointed by the flavor and texture of the apricot and this may be the downfall of the great apricot gag revolution. They are not hard to find but they are more expensive and the flavor can really be hit or miss.

When I was walking around the grocery store, the fruit that stood out to me as the most obvious choice was the peach. Big but biteable, fuzzy outside, juicy inside… all around what you want in a gag. The effect was passable, but I was expecting more. The peach was really too big, so screams could escape from the corners of her mouth. The fruit had been forced to ripen so the flavor was not there either. I am sure that under better circumstances the peach could be almost ideal, but the average store bought piece will leave you wanting.

The lime was great. The bitter rind was even more intense than the orange and the sour tart juice kicked her salivary glands into high gear. The shape was great for keeping the screams in and when I pulled it out of her mouth, it was like Niagara Falls. Drool cascaded out of her mouth splashing down into the river of squirt that was already running across the floor.

The biggest surprise was the final fruit. The grapes were kept on the stem so as to increase their volume and to avoid that pesky choking hazard. While they did absolutely nothing to stifle the sound of her screaming, they worked wonders on her salivary glands. Almost immediately the drool started pouring out through the large open spaces created by the grapes. Thick strings just came flooding out with almost no end in sight. Glorious! To be completely honest, I do believe the lime juice may have also played a role so soaking grapes in lime juice may be just what you need to recreate this look.

In the end I would have to say that the experiment was a success for a host of reasons. First and foremost because it ended in sexytime and any experiment that ends in sexytime is a good experiment. It was also an eye opener for me (and I hope you, too, my dear reader) to some of the practical uses of fruit. This has opened up a whole new world of experimentation for me as well. Soon I will be expanding the scientific method to better explore the whys and hows of what we do.