A(n) (In)complete Guide to Bottoming to Me


Don’t be shy and wait for me (or anyone for that matter) to make the first move. We are all human beings on equal footing to start off with and it should not be expected that the dom/top/bigkahuna is going to make the first move. Be confident without being arrogant. I like to know a partner knows that she is worth playing with but get turned off by a message which imply I have been graced with your attention. Once the initial greetings are out of the way be willing to meet in person.

Meet Me for Drinks

I am not looking for an online only partner. If I wanted to have hot talk that ended with me masturbating then I would stop taking my meds and get a membership to kink.com. I want to meet you in person and see if there is a real human connection. Who we are online is not the same as who we are in person, no matter how much we may try and be honest. Wear something sexy. Something that shows me you at your vanilla best. There are always exceptions to the rule but generally I feel the best first date is a casual meeting in a public forum where we can have alone time. This should be seen as an interview of sorts so put your best foot forward. Dress well, smile, talk, flirt as if you are trying to impress me. If you do, I will tell you so.

Be Able to Flirt Online

Email, IM, text are all acceptable. This is the 21st century people, get with the program. While the specifics of how and when we flirt will be dependent on what kind of dynamic be ready to send dirty pics and or follow commands. I want to know that we are not chatting up a storm littered with sexual overtones but with no real follow through. Don’t let your fingers type checks your cunt can’t cash. Unsolicited vulgarity at this point is always welcome. These perversions can include but should not be limited to:

  • Public displays of perversion including public sex, anonymous sex, nudity that could end in fines or disbarment (remember: unsolicited I am not asking you to do these things but would love to see the results if you did.)
  • Pics of hot girls in public accompanied by text of what you want to do to them
  • Pics found on the internet that are so disturbing you have to ask yourself, “Is that even really porn?”
  • Voicemail messages of you cumming
  • Creative and humiliating insertions


I like to experiment; I like to explore. There are really very few things that I am not willing to at least entertain the idea of but for the sake of this post let’s just stick to the knowns.

  • Mind fucks: Fear, sensory deprivation, confusion, disorientation and the accompanying power exchange that comes with this kind of play.
  • Humiliation and Degradation: I like both physical and mental H&D in all the varied forms it comes; from calling a play partner a slut and dirty cum whore, to pissing on her head while she licks the toilet, I like to see how low you can go. It is one part power exchange, one part experiment in human endurance. The point is to see how much you can take and still stand up at the end. I want confident partners who want to push themselves.
  • Age Play: I love to play with the dynamic that is created when I am older and my partner is younger. Teacher/student, Daddy/daughter, Stranger with candy, anything that involves at least some molestation and coercion will work.
  • Carte Blanche Sadism: Look at it like an extreme sport. How far can you push yourself physically? How long can you be tortured, beaten, raped, starved and drown before you break, before you collapse or safeword? There is something truly amazing about endurance not only for the person enduring but also for me. It is a game of seeing how close to the edge can I bring someone and for how long can I keep them there.
  • Forced Orgasms and Orgasm Control: Yeah, what is there not to like about this most sexual of power exchanges?


  • One Trick Ponies: If you have a “thing” that you are into (spanking, rope, leather) and it is all you are into then I am not interested. It may be great, it may be the world and a box of doughnuts to you but I prefer variety.
  • Clinginess: I love to play, I love people and I need to be friends with my play partners but I am not looking for a “relationship”. I am far too lucky already to have one of the most amazing, beautiful and perverted women I know in my life. I want to be friends, I want to chat, I want to play but I do not want you freaking out if I am not available whenever you are.
  • Play sans Sexytime: It is not a deal breaker but as a friend once said, “Play without the sexual tension is just a game like chess and chess [normally] doesn’t make me wet.”


I like to clean up a play partner after taking her apart. I like to see her come out of the shower with her hair clean and the smeared and destroyed make-up washed away. It does not always work out like that. There are scenes when the constraints of space or time do not allow me a chance to see her put back together and smiling before we have to part ways. In these cases I want to hear from you. Just a note that you got home ok, that you had a good (or bad) time. If you have any specific needs or wants from aftercare tell me up front. After a scene where you have given me everything, I deeply enjoy being able to give something unique and special back


After the fact, a day or two later, write down your recollection of the scene. Tell me what you remember, what you felt, what you liked and did not like and what you want to try again. Do not write it for fetlife. Write it for me. Tell me the things that you would only share with the person that was there. If the moment was something you want to put on FL, great! But that is a different write-up.


In Closing

I want that look that is at once utter shame and humiliation and pure sexual desire. I want to feel I have given you something — a moment, a feeling, an experience — that is, at once, wanted and not wanted. In that moment when you look up at me desperate and pleading for whatever it is that I want to give, I see why I do this. The beauty and the challenge is that this means different things each and every time with each and every person. What one person easily and comfortable gives of themselves, another may never part with. You may know it is disgusting, may know you should not love it but it if I can’t see that embarrassment, if I can’t see the shame then it does not matter to me. It is proof of the exchange. There in that moment is the gift that I am looking for. If you want to bottom to me be prepared to not just tell me, but to show me that you


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Tapping your inner…

I love school girls but never went to parochial school. I fantasize about secretaries but never worked in an office. I can imagine shoving my cock down Wonder Woman’s throat but I did not spend an exorbitant about of time masturbating to comics as a kid. I do not consider myself as having a role playing fetish but there is something magical about entering a mindset that is structured by some preconceived social stereotype. Perhaps it is how the roles are defined or because they have built-in power dynamics. Whatever the reason I have seen both good and bad role play and was wondering what made one person better than another.

Naughty Nurses and Plaid Skirts

For most a uniform of some sort is necessary for good role play. The visual cue is not unique to kink. Many religions have special robes or garments that are for ceremonies only. Changing out of one’s street clothes into special vestments is a ritual that works not unlike hypnotic suggestion. The clothes you wear, the clothes that your partner wears can help to manifest the image in your head. Another aspect is that most uniforms have a preexisting power dynamic. You expect to be taken care of by the nurse, the school girl is a “look-but-don’t-touch” tease. When you start to understand what the dynamic is or why the uniform exists in the first place you are starting to see the reason behind the stereotypes. The trick is you have to own the costume. The silly nature of a sexy schoolgirl will kill a scene if she cannot commit to the costume. A nurse is supposed to be simple, clean and caring so taking the uniform and teasing around the edges of it with sex (tight skirt, open top, white stockings) can throw that knowledge into juxtaposition. Enjoy blurring the line between what is expected of the role and what you feel is implied and not said.

Saying “Daddy” but not meaning it

The largest issue I have ever seen with role playing is the language. Most people have an image in his or her head about what their fantasy should be wearing but rarely are they fleshed out enough to have a dialogue more than the occasional word or saying here and there. What you say plays a much larger role in actual play than it does in fantasy and so striking the right tone is as important as choosing the right skirt. The words cannot just come out of the mouth, they have to come from deeper. If you do not believe what you are saying to be true no one will and the whole act will come across as just that, an act. It is what trips up most role players. The characters have to be real in the hearts of the players or else they do not sway us. The problem is that many of the roles that we want to play are dark and the idea of taking on the appearance is appealing, getting into the thoughts is afar more daunting. When you are playing teacher/student, the teacher has to think like a teacher that is using his power to manipulate a young girl into doing things she does not want to do. If she does then she has to take on the role of a girl who uses her age to get what she wants. A daddy has to be thinking that he is using his little girl, a nurse has to feel that she can play with her patient. These are the darker aspects of role playing that few talk about.

Off-the-shelf Power Exchange

Role play is attractive because it presupposes the power exchange many of us are looking for in kink without necessarily implying the physical brutality. Feeling like you have control over another person (or vice versa) is extremely sexy and what many people are looking for when they first come into kink. The challenge is that BDSM is often seen as floggers, canes, collars and chains and while all these can be fun, if what you are looking for is to simply control someone in a sexual way, learning to wield a flogger may feel like a waste of time. The roles of boss/secretary, nurse/patient, teacher/pupil can make one person feel he or she is at the mercy of the other without a single violent act. If you want to add pain there are many ways to bring it about while maintaining the characters. Spanking, needles, examinations all give you a range of options when it comes to adding pain and control. This can be great for newcomers who do not know if power dynamic play is for them. Pre-established  roles are guidelines for power play. Take on the role, use the power, lose the power, explore what it means to be the character and see if you like it. If you begin to question what to do next, simply examine the part you are playing a little more and see what comes up.

Role playing is a commonly referenced kink but it is rare to see it done well. This is a shame too because there are many ways that it can be incorporated into everyday play to add depth and variety to your sex. I love playing the role of teacher or doctor. I love to make my girl feel I am molesting her for her own good. If you relax and feel out the part not for what you think it should look like but for what you think it should be, you can find new and powerful ways to explore kink.