Bigger (love) on the Inside

Kink.com Bondage Woman

I have lunch scheduled with a friend for today. He is an old friend from an old life and the last time we talked it was about how one of our close mutual friends had “fallen in with a bad crowd”. What he meant by this was that she was working for Kink.com. I kept quiet. I did not talk about the fact that I had a membership to kink.com, or the fact that ZeeGee and I used it. I did not mention that we had just come out as non-monogamous or that we were kinky. It seemed like more than was fair to dump on him all at once and if I was going to say anything, I was going to say everything.

When it rains, it pours…

I will not do this in half measures. If this is important enough to tell him about, if he is important enough to tell then I am telling him everything. My life is an open book to those I am close enough to. Maybe it is too much for him. He is a good guy with a kind heart and I am not sure if the idea of being cruel, brutal, and controlling are traits he can see without negative connotations. Maybe it is stronger than our friendship.

This is an idea I have been contemplating since before this all began. I have always made friends easily, partially because I am easy-going and willing to listen, and partially because I am willing to talk about what seem to be intimate details of myself. The truth is that I do not consider many of those details intimate and many of the people who were my “friends” are nothing more than acquaintances. When I began to let my inner-self out and I realized that he would not be accepted by most of the people I was associating with, I simply stopped talking to those people. I was not losing something, I was not falling away from real friends because in many cases they did not really know me.

This went for family, and high school friends, and people I met when I first moved to Chicago. They did not know what I was really thinking. I was not losing confidants. I was not losing my secret confessors because I was never telling them secrets, I was never  confessing.

Opening the door to the TARDIS

So he is coming over and I am going to invite him into my house but something will be/is different. I am not going to hold back my thoughts and feelings like I did before. I have come to terms with the fact that I am a monster at times.  I am ok with what I want and who I am. I am also ok with others knowing that. If I have invited you into my house, over my threshold then I feel you can enter into my world. I am not sure what will come of this small experiment in outing myself to my past. Perhaps I will find that this is not what I want. perhaps the world is not ready for my honesty. We will see but in the meantime I have clothes to fold and dishes to wash and all of time and space to explain.

 

PostScript

The meeting went well and all he said to me was, “why didn’t you tell me before?” I told him that I thought he would judge me and he explained that his concerns had always been for how quickly our friend fell in love and had nothing to do with the lifestyle. It was comforting to hear. Not many people understand where any of us are coming from.

 

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House of Leaves: Scening inside 24/7

If you are looking at BDSM as an extracurricular activity, something you do outside your “normal” life, then a scene is pretty easy to define. Top meets bottom. Top hits bottom. Bottom goes home. It is a moment in time that is negotiated before hand; it has a singularity in Time and Space and there are clearly marked entrances and exits. I could go off for paragraphs on the room metaphor – a room has a very clearly defined existence and that existence can not sustain a person forever. You can only stay in one room for so long before you are looking for a door.

If a scene is a room, then the 24/7 lifestyle is a house. A house has more rooms. It has different rooms for different activities. A house is a place that you can live.

When ZeeGee and I first came out it was clear to us that we wanted to live BDSM and D/s as a lifestyle. Neither ZeeGee nor I are people who lead partial lives. This sense of living completely immersed in a power exchange has gotten stronger for me now that my primary relationship has changed and I have taken Dedita into my house. The dynamic is in everything we do: how the laundry gets done, how we sleep, how we eat. It is so apart of our lives that it has become second nature. We do not think about it often or with much fanfare when I take her by the elbow when crossing the street. We do not feel that it is a “scene” if I make her masturbate while pissing. These are the things that make up our everyday life.

These are not the artifacts of a room seperate from reality, this is reality.

What happens when the two worldviews cross? I have play partners besides my slave. They are scene partners that I build special rooms for in the ever-changing house that is my mind. Dedita sees me working on these rooms. She sees me carrying tools and materials, opening locked doors, and she catches glimpses of what I am building, only to have the door shut before she can step inside.

These rooms are not for her. She knows this, and at times, struggles with it. There is a certain sadistic irony in watching her kick around sad about the rooms she cannot go into when she lives in a house full of rooms which only she can access. This sadness is not because she does not appreciate what she has, but because she sees that others have something she doesn’t. Play partners who are exploring dynamics within a scene often experience this envy as well. They can see the day-to-day existence of their top living in a Master and slave relationship and want to experience that. These are common feelings for both parties.

I don’t feel that you need to avoid situations that create these emotions and longings for your play partners and slaves, but as a responsible partner, you do need to be aware that there will be consequences and actions that result from these feelings. It is often easier to deal with any problems that may arise if you know what is coming. For example, I do not like the effects of a play partner who becomes too attached. I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings or create false expectations, so I make it clear from the beginning that I am not looking for a relationship. I make them understand that I am building them a room, not a home. This is simple and can be dealt with almost completely with clear communication at the onset of the adventure, and by using a take it or leave it approach. I do not negotiate on the level of commitment I can give a play partner; if we aren’t a good fit in that regard, we simply don’t play.

However, with my slave, I am in a different situation, one where “take it” is the only option for her. And if I force her to take something, I am responsible for knowing and handling how she will react to that absolution.

A partner can be defined and limited from the beginning but a slave has to be trained. A slave has to be understood more completely. What Dedita is sad about when she sees me working on a room that is not for her is that I am giving another partner physical attention, focus, and time. She sees what I am doing as a manifestation of my caring. If she feels that I care for others, she sees that she is not a priority in that moment. I have found that I can use this feeling to train her in three different ways: active behavior modification; passive behavior modification; and dynamic maintenance. I am sure other Masters will have different lessons and habits but these work for me.

Active Behavior Modification

By directly connecting the scene building and courting process of a play partner with Dedita’s actions, I can quickly make short-term changes to the way she behaves. Tell your slave about the scene you plan to have with another; tell her why you are doing it; tell her what you like about your other partner. Active modification is clearly explaining what you want from your slave that you are getting from your play partner and watching them change their behavior.

For Dedita, it works best to not be too specific. If you can show your slave what games, sexual acts, and physical punishments you like through a play partner, she will focus on ways to please you, and often offer up alternative ways you can do those things to her. However, be aware that playing, “why can’t you be more like your sister…” is fun but can be counter productive. Look for ways of expressing these desires and needs so as to compare and contrast the two without making the competition too fierce. Having two partners at odds is fun to read about but hell to live through. For a slave with healthy self-esteem, comparison can steer their actions.

Passive Behavior Modification

By taking my attention from Dedita and turning them towards an outside partner, I am redirecting a resource and making her realize that she can lose what she has at any moment. Talking about a scene you are going to do with another person with your slave can seem innocuous, but in fact carries a lot of weight. If she is acting out or being a brat for attention, a few well-chosen words that show her my mind is not only somewhere else, but with someone else, can quickly remind her that she does not make the priorities in this relationship.

Likewise, giving her a role in the creation of the scene, using her to measure height settings of furniture, making her stand in as I check lighting or temperatures, can make her feel both used and deprioritized at the same time. Making Dedita know that I am thinking of the play partner and the scene instead of her, as she would prefer, gives her a very quick and real connection to the idea that I make the decisions This all combines to reinforce the inequality in our power dynamic.

Dynamic Maintenance

I am using the word dynamic as both a noun (a method of interaction) and an adjective (changing) here.

The dynamic between you and your slave is managed through her feeling of place and ownership. Every action you take as an owner is making this bond. How you interact with others, and more importantly how you interact differently with others, affects how you are seen in the eyes of your slave. If you use a partner to fill a need that your slave doesn’t fill, she can feel useless. A person does not remain stagnant, and a useless slave can either try harder to be useful or give up. Knowing which way your girl will respond makes all the difference. Do you want her to feel loved? Do you want her to feel used? Do you want her to feel low? Knowing where I want Dedita to be in the pecking order helps m allocate my resources and prioritize my time.

The other definition of dynamic (changing) maintenance is more about the moment. All relationships are in flux. As humans, we are growing and becoming more emotionally complex every single day. Watching how a slave responds to this partner versus how she responded to past partners can be useful for understanding what she is feeling and thinking. It is through these interactions that we learn whether or not our training has taken hold. If Dedita is responding to a new partner as I planned (i.e. jealous, loving, cold, attentive) then my behavior modification has worked. If she is still responding in ways I do not want, then I know there is more training to be done.

I think of my house like the House of Leaves it is larger on the inside than the outside. I like to make new rooms for my play partners but the real fun for me is making it a constantly changing and shifting home for Dedita. A scene may be a room, it may get my attention for an hour, a day or a week but in the end the room dissolves and the scene is over. The house itself is changing and the games I play with my slave are not about the rooms I make, but the way I lead her through them and the feelings I can create within their walls.

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The Rules

“I need more structure.”  She had a mischievous grin on her face as she said it. She knew what that meant. The rule is that she can have anything she asks for, she just won’t like it. You want rules? Ok.

This is not going to be a list of the rules that I made for her. I will not sit here and go through the list one by one and explain what the rule is and why it is important. I will not list here for the whole world to see what the punishments will be for breaking the rules. This is where I explain why there are rules. This is where I explore what a rule means to me. This is where I begin the long soul search for internal structure that I can base my rules on.

1. Write rules you care about.

“Do not let her wear shoes in your house.”

I came across a list one day on FL listing rules to make a slave feel owned. I am new to this idea of ownership so it seemed like a good place to start. They ranged from good to crazy which I liked. I could pick and choose from a large list the ones that best suited me. I am not a structured man. I live in a state of chaos. I find its lack of structure reassuring. Coming across a list where the grunt work was already done for me? Win! I decided to try one rule. It would be easier for me to start simple and build my way up.

I told her she could not wear shoes in the house. It was simple and powerful. Our dynamic is built on a Captor/captive role scheme so the idea that she would not have shoes on would limit how far she could get if she ever tried to run away. (The misogynistic allusions were great as well :)) At first it worked. I would watch her and remind her. I would make her carry them down the stairs even in the morning when taking the kids to the bus. I would see her sitting on couch and I would lean over and ask if she was comfortable. When she said yes I would ask why she would risk it all by disobeying. Yeah, that worked well. The problem was that I just did not care whether she was wearing her shoes and frankly waiting for her to put them on at the bottom of the stairs where there was no place to sit was annoying the shit out of me. So it started to fall to the side.

2. Write rules you can enforce.

“In my bed, you sleep naked.”

This was a much more fun rule. It combines a few of my favorite things at once; vulnerability, accessibility, and subjugation. Since it is something that I like it is easier for me to enforce the rule. I notice immediately when the rule is broken and can correct it or not depending on how I feel at the time. I am not a monster. If she is sick and wants to go to sleep in soft clothes then of course I am going to bend a little. The trick is to know when to bend and when to hold fast. A cold is not the flu is not pneumonia. Just because she is a little chilly because I like to keep the fan on does not mean she gets to sleep in clothes. You also have to be sure to address the rule every time it is broken. Just because you are tired when she crawls into bed with your shirt on does not mean you can shirk your responsibility to make note of it. She needs to know that you notice. She needs to know that you care enough to address it. If you don’t then it begins to slip in both of your minds. You let it go yesterday so why not today? She looked great in your shirt so why not let her wear her pjs? Before you know it she is coming to bed wearing muddy boots. This is not to say you have to punish every infraction. Sometimes you are too tired. Maybe you sprained your beating arm playing racket ball. If the offense is small, sometimes you can simply remind her that she is getting away with what you let her get away with. Other times you can chalk it up for a later date. Let the minor issues accrue until she deserves the belt.

3. Write rules for the Master, not the slave.

“Lay out my clothes every night before you go to bed.”

Rules give a slave structure but what do they give you? This question goes back to the first lesson in many ways. If the rule is not something you care about then it is not going to be something you can enforce but it also brings up another point. A slave has a job to do, make your life better. This is good for you (obviously) but it is also good for the slave. She wants to help. She wants to feel useful. If you are making rules that are hard to enforce and do not make your life easier than the hassle is compounded. You are making her do something which takes away from your day and does nothing to reward you. Likewise, if she feels that you are making her do something that does not make you happy then it is going to be hard for her to feel the need to do it on her own. Ideally rules will be ingrained into the slave so you will not have to push her to do them. It is true that some rules are made just to make the slave dance but that has value in itself. It may make you happy simply to watch her prostrate herself every evening when you get home. Humility is an important lesson for slaves to learn.

4. Write your rules like a lawyer.

“Never cum without permission.”

Rules do not need to be fair or fun but they do need to be achievable. I love failure play as much as the next guy but rules are not the place for it. If a slave is given a rule to follow on a daily basis and knows that she will not be able to succeed at least every once in a while, she will lose faith in the rules themselves. Rules are to train and guide, they are not meant to destroy. If you want to make the task difficult know what you expect the success rate to be and make the punishment suitable. As an old boss of mine used to say, “Don’t let the best be the enemy of the good.” There are ways to adapt difficult rules to create a better success rate. The example I give here leaves out an important piece, the permission can be implicit or explicit. This allows me to make the rule easy to follow or difficult depending on my whim. Rules should be thoughtful and crafted. They are one of the main ways a slave can see your hand in her life. Be aware of what you say.

5. Write your rules like a love letter.

“Do not go in my room.”

Rules are a first line of communication. They are personal, they are thoughtful, they should be heartfelt. The rules you put on your slave are going to guide her when you are not there. They are going to give her direction and a feel for what you want from the relationship. Use them wisely. Add variety to the types of rules. Make some sexual and others service. Make some difficult and others easy. Give her a rule she enjoys and rules that she hates. Show her that you are watching and listening to her. It is this understanding of her innermost thoughts and feelings that make a slave feel that she is loved. Likewise, make the rules personal to you. Let her learn to serve you better in ways you have not even thought of by understanding you through your rules. Put them on paper, make them available to both your slave and to you for future reference. They will hold a special place in your relationship next to your contract or wedding vows.

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Choosing a Path

NaNoWriMo has started and as I sit here looking into the white space of my blog I am not hit by the daunting challenge of what I have taken on but by the simple fact that I am looking at the wrong fucking blog. I have a a site set up for my fiction and I should be working there but instead I am here. Why?

I think part of it is because I know there are people that listen here. The fiction site is (semi)private and I do not get the feedback. A writer may say he is not writing for others but we all know the truth. If it weren’t for those other eyes, those other minds we would be scratching our thoughts onto napkins and sticking them under our beds. So to placate my need to reach out to people that might be passing by I stop here first on my way to the dark hole that is an unfinished book.

Discipline is not just for your slave. It is a practice for the Master too. The beauty of it though is that I use Dedita to keep me on track. By having her life to control, I am given a cue. It is like a leash in my hand that reminds me that I am walking my pet. I am finding more and more than the nuance and acts of Mastery are not new to me but the naming of them as such is. I was raised in a left-leaning house with a father who was president of his local union for nearly fifteen years. I was raised to see titles with disdain. They were labels we put on ourselves to create structure where there was not structure. I took this to mean that I was being raised with an egalitarian worldview but somehow that never seemed to fit quite right.

 

Generation of Swine

I think I was tricked as a child. I was raised with the words of a Marxist but the actions of a Master. My father talked a big game about how we were all equal. His language was about fairness and the rule of law. He wanted it to be about the work and not the station of the man. Yet, in his actions there was definitely structure. Respect was given to those who earned it. There was no democracy in the house, his word was law. It was not as if his rules were unfair, but they were his rules and make no mistake, they were enforced.

This created a bit of a dichotomy within me as I became an adult and took on the father role. I believed that I was supposed to be egalitarian. I thought the words were what ruled my actions but the way I wanted to act, the way I felt I should act, flew in the face of this. Why do I want to put my foot down when I should be taking everyone’s POV into consideration? Why is it the more I let my wife decide how she is going to run her life the less attracted I am to her?

I am looking back at the way my father acted and I see where the confusion comes in. It is not the words that carried the weight of his lessons. He is not a wordsmith. My father is an artist, a visual person. He shows you what he wants you to learn with his actions. He railed against class and inequality not because he thought there should be no structure but because the structure seemed arbitrary. If you game the system you can receive a title without ever earning it. People with money were not better, should not be treated as better just because they had money. An education did not make you a Master anymore than a lack of education made you a slave. Who you are is based on who you are. Likewise, your station in life did not make you better or worse. If you wanted to lead then you led, if you wanted to follow, you followed. It is not a good or bad thing to be in the front or taking up the rear. What was a good or bad thing was trying to be something that you are not. Owning your place in life, being comfortable in who you are is what is important.

This is what Mastery means to me. It is not a label that I put on myself, it is a way of behaving. It is an amount of respect for personal choices and a natural order of things. I do not care who you are or where you come from, I will show the respect of a Master when you have shown me you are worthy. I will not look down on you for accepting your place as a slave. You are who you were meant to be and as such in a better place than most.

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The fine line between learning from your slave and slapping the shit out of her

It is not easy. No relationship is and just because you have the final say in everything doesn’t make it simpler. If anything, it makes it more complicated. A good slave is intelligent, able to see things you cannot and able to keep you from spinning a thought out of control by simply having another POV. A good slave is a valuable resource, like a Google you can fuck. The challenge is that a smart slave must be free to speak her mind and feel that what she says is being heard but she also needs to feel her Master is beyond manipulation by anyone including her. So how do you do this? How do you listen, learn and take in that valuable information without coming across as doing whatever she wants?

Good fucking question.

Things are not black and white. They are not as simple as there is one and only one right way. There are many ways to skin a proverbial cat and you have to be comfortable with that point. Just because it is the way she has always done it does not mean it is the only way it can be done and just because the way you have decided to do it is different and makes her uncomfortable does not mean you should change your mind. Her life with you is just that, with you. it is not her old life. She does not get to make the decisions she made before. This can be a bitter pill to swallow. She may not like it at all and be ready for long periods of silence as she shows you how seriously upset she is but if you are confident in what you have decided, if you are comfortable that what you are going to do is what you would do with or without her advice then hold your ground.

The fundamental idea here is that she has to know that you can be trusted to make a choice. She cannot see you being pushed around.

There will always be arguments, she will win some of them (for the love of God, do not let her know that!) and she will be right sometimes even when you decide not to do what she thinks is best. No matter what she has to see that you are thinking about the future, that you are making choices that are for the best of all involved and that while she is being heard, that her feeling are not swaying how you act. You are doing the best for you and her and everyone else that matters and sometimes the best thing hurts feelings.

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Cuckquean

Which side of the wall are you on?

I am not new to cuckqueaning. It was something that ZG and I played with when we first started to introduce others into our sex lives. She loved to watch me fuck others. Something about it was great for her and before I explore this more deeply I want to take a moment to lay out some definitions.

To cuckold someone is to engaged in sexual acts in front of your partner. A man whose wife or partner fucks others in front of him is a Cuckold, a woman is a Cuckquean. It is not an uncommon kink for people to have and one that many people happily play with. Some get off on feeling cucked, others from doing the cucking. Some want to be forced to watch while others want to only know that it is happening somewhere out of sight. It is not unrelated to cheating and “the other woman” stories that give nonmonogamy a bad name but there are ways that it can be explored ethically.

ZG was not a jealous person. She never felt pangs when I would fuck or play with others. In fact she actually enjoyed it quite a bit. This made it easier for us to play with cuckqueaning because it meant that no matter what was done, no matter what was said, she would not feel destroyed in the end and the emotional clean up was easy. I fucked a woman in front of her while ZG was forced to please her husband. I made her piss herself and stand in her own filth while I fucked my girlfriend and talked about how we were going to make ZG an animal. I made her eat my cum off the ass of another woman. The list really goes on and on and while the images are hot and yes, the times were great, there was something missing. I could not put my finger on what it was until recently.

I was never into the cuckqueaning of ZG. I loved fucking other women, I loved making her watch, I loved degrading her for loving to watch but there was something that seemed, I don ‘t know, flat about the whole event. Nothing about what we were doing was special because we were married. It would have been just as much of a turn on if the other person watching was another play partner. It did not have the kink to it that I wanted. I did not know that but now I do. The kink I wanted was the jealousy. I wanted the head game that can go along with cuckqueaning.

I play with people for very specific reasons. I like to feel the desire of a new partner. It is a very powerful feeling when you first open that present and everything that you do is new and special. It is emotionally fulfilling for me to see the new responses, the new looks, the new touches, the orgasms. I am an explorer searching the Amazon for new and rare orchids. I am a gardener planting mixed seeds to see what flowers come up. It is a great feeling to see this new relationship, this new body as it opens up but it is not the only thing in the world. I also love the feeling of the known and existing relationship.

A loving and long term relationship brings me comfort and security. I can explore the depths of who I am, who she is. It is the long game. We are in this for the long haul and this gives me a place to explore so much more over a much longer period of time. A long term relationship is filled with a firmer and more complete understanding. You know that the little hick-ups that would cast a new relationship into the dirt are not going to affect it. Arguments are going to be had but they are not going to be the end of the world. This is the foundation which all further growth happens.

But a relationship is like a field, it needs to be tilled to be healthy. The ground can become packed and hard. The water cannot penetrate it, seeds lie in the top, unable to sprout. The rich soil of the long term relationship needs to be turned over ever now and again. She has to be shaken and shown that what she has in me is worth keeping, I have to see her reach out for me in a way that says she cares. There are different ways to do this, for us cuckqueaning is one. She sees me flirt with other women. She sees the way my attention zeroes in and the intensity fades the rest of the world to nothingness. She can see me as I am to others and she can crave that. She feels left out, it drives her emotional masochism and makes her feel that she is not worthy, not earning the look I am giving another. For me the seduction of the person is clarifying. I am reminded that I have ability to burn the soul of another. I can see into someone and feel them squirming under my attention. When I turn back to Dedita I see her in that dark place she has created for her and I know I am her master. She has not left me when my focus was n0t on her, she did not run away or find another man. She buried her head in the sadness and waited for me to return. The sorrow is intoxicating to my sadism and I relish it.

I do bring her out of the darkness eventually. I have to make her know that in the end she is mine and will always be mine. She has to see that I care for her in spite of what other women may have or offer. In the end she is my slave and will be cared for as property should. I will make sure she is well fed and loved and used to make my (and subsequently her) life better.

Sickness and Mastery

Dedita has been sick. She is hot and cold, has aches and stiff joints. It is the flu and has had her laid up for a day and a half. On Sunday night as the flu set in, she began to show how she acts when sick. She was cranky and combative but incredibly servile and tried with all the energy she had to clean the house and finish her chores. I watched as she fought  the sickness like a little girl fighting the need for sleep and I was enamored. It is in these off moments that we learn more about ourselves and our relationship than anywhere else.

A sick slave is both sick and a slave which is to say that I as her master have to be both firm and caring. She needs to be looked after by the loving and the brutal sides at the same time. If you do not take care of the flu, the sickness will take over and make her miserable but it is the dynamic that gives her comfort and shows love. The strange thing is that as I saw this developing, I could see that it was a place I not only could understand, but one I enjoyed.

I got medicine out and made her take it while she sat on the couch trying to wrap her head around the work she had to do for the day. It was too strenuous for the state she was in so I gave her nighttime medicine so she could sleep. While she slept I got my writing done for the day so as to be able to pay attention to what she needed in the way of care. I left several of the smaller tasks in place throughout the day so she could feel like she was active. She lays out my clothes every morning and packs the boys lunches. These chores are quick and relatively painless so she could work on them in the moments when her energy returned and be done before it waned again. I helped her with a few of the heavier chores such as the dishes to make sure she felt my presence and knew that even though she was sick the house was being managed.

She hates to be touched when sick but like all little girls, she needs to feel strong arms around her, especially in these moments. I would kiss her forehead and rub her back frequently but briefly so as to not over stimulate her sensitive skin. I have clothing requirements for her. She is to wear skirts and dresses, always being sexually available to me but in these moments I know she is not sexual. I let her dress down, wear pants, big wool socks, etc for now but I still have needs so when she is better I will be more than making up for this dry spell the flu has imposed on me. I use this time to think of ways I can use her body. I browse the internet for ideas and let my blood warm with future torments.

The most interesting thing I have noticed about how my Dedita is when sick is that she is a cranky brat. She has a short fuse and is easily irritated. Little things that are the way things are she would normally accept but make her growl and snap when she is sick. I do not let these pass without comment or a stern look that tells her that she has stepped out of line but the punishments will not come until later. A quick word in a sharp tone puts her back into place and then I let it drop. No need to drag out lectures when she is not acting herself. These little bites and barks are nothing more than the flu talking. I am not going to train the flu out of her so while they cannot go unattended, they can not be changed.

Our oldest boy is home today, sick with the flu. Dedita is still sick and lonely as I try and write and take care of him as well as her. I am gathering them together and we are heading out to the thrift store. The fresh air and change of venue will do us all good. I am looking forward to the time away from the house because it helps her to remember her place in the greater world; at my side